Hamtastrophe It's Sometimes Hard to Believe Rasputin Was Real Like Theres No Non-Fucked Up Part of Rasputin's Existence Rollinbylimpbizkit Did He Do Something Problematic I Thought He Was Just Russia's Greatest Love Machine The-Itchy-Bitchy-Spider Basic True Story Fanatical Russian Monlk Who Has Almost Never Shaved or Washed and Smells Like Goats Shos Up at the Russian Capital With a Creepy Look on His Beardy Face and Everyone Just Assumes He's a Prophet or a Saint Because He's Got a Cult Following That Believes He Can Cure Illnesses His Stans Are Sexually Obsessed With Him and He Gets Just a Fuckton of Russian Pussy Wherever He Goes Cause Apparently He Can Cure His True Believers of Illness With God-Given Dick Magic Russia's Queen Has Him Come Stay at the Palace and Sets Him Up in Luxury Because She Thinks He Can Cure Her Son's Haemophilia With the Power of Russian Goat Jesus and They Allegedly Become Lovers Probably 'Cause She Craves That Unwashed Goat-Scented Dick Like the Rest of His Cult Which She Now Allegedly Belongs to Then the Worst Assassins in the History of Assassinations Try to Assassinate Him Ause Queen He Has Too Much Power Over the Royal Family and It's Helping Revolutionaries Turn People Against the Royals So These Idiots Have Him Round for Tea and Cakes Which Are Poisoned With Cyanide but He Is-Magieally Unaffeeted-By Peisen They Get the Dose Wrong and He Doesn't Die and Then He Drinks Three Glasses of Wine Which Are Also Poisoned and He Doesn't Die So They Tell Him to Look at a Cru- Cifix and Shoot Him in the Chest With a Revolver When He Isn't Looking and He Doesn't Die but They Think He's Dead So One of Them Dresses in His Clothes and Gets Driven to His Apartment to Make It Look Like He's Gone Home to Hide the Crime and When They Come Back He Gets Up and Attacks Them So They Stab Him in the Side With a Knife and He Doesn't Die and Then He Frees Himself and Runs Outside So They Shoot Him a Few Times More Including in the Fore Head and They Wrap His Body Up and Chuck Him in the Icy River and He Doesn't Go Into the Water So His Body Is Found on the Ice the Next Day and Get This He Died of Hypothermia Tyrannosaurus-Rex Additionally Everyone Who Wasnt in the Party of Getting Rid of Rasputin Was Pretty Bummed Out When They Found Him and His Miracle Dick Dead the Next Day and There Was a Pretty Bangin Funeral of Which the Royal Family Themselves Attended However the Tsar Was Overthrown a Few Month Later After Exhumed His Body and Burned It Because the New Leadership Was Very Adamant About Making Sure There Were No Ties Left to Honor the Old Monarchy However This Dudes Body Had Never Been Properly Prepped for a Cremation Which Meant That Under the Extreme Heat His Tendons and Ligaments Began to Retract and Shrink Causing His Dead Body to Move and Twitch Around as if Still Animate According to Some Testimony His Body Actually Sat Up Straight on the Pyre and at Least One Spectator Fired a Gun at the Body and Another May Have Allegedly Died of Shock Watercolor-Gryphon Rasputin Was an Old God From Times Before Humans Mad-Duck He Is Like a Cleric Gone Wild Unnatural-Twenty Calling Rasputin a Cleric Is Bard Erasure the Dude Seduced a Monarch and Then Proceeded to Pull Off Like 5 Nat 20's in a Row That's the Most True to Life Bardic Thing l'Ve Ever Heard Source Hamtastrophe Rasputin