It Kind of Really Confuses Me When Barbie Commercials Have Little Girls Dressing Them Up and Brushing Their Hair Like No Barbie Is Not About Fashion Barbie Is About Collecting as Many Dolls as You Can Get Your Grubby 7 Year Old Hands on and Dominating the Living Room With Your Expansive Empire of Plastic Women Barbie Is About Creating Intricate Social Structures and Spicy Inter-Family Conflicts Between Town House Residents Barbie Is About Formulating Complex Back Stories for Tortured Ken Dolls With Emotional Scars It's About Creating Near-Sadistic Dramatic Plot Twists That Split Up Marriages and Cause That One Barbie You Really Dislike to Be Ceremoniously Tossed Down the Stairs in Order to Be Offed by the Jealous Ex-Wife of Ken #4 Yes but How Do You Make It Into a Marketable Commercial That Won't Freak Parents and Caregivers Out? I've Always Had the Impression That Advertisers Don't Really Understand How Girls Play With Their Toys When I Played With Barbies I Had This Thing Called the Dead Pit Which Was a Purple Bratz Laundry Hamper So Whenever a Barbie Got Killed Off She Would Go in There and What I Would Do Was I Would Carry Her to the Dead Pit While Singing the Dead Pit Song the Dead Pit Song Was Just Saying the Dead Pit Over and Over Again in Different Tones Anyway Once I Finally Reached the Pit I Would Announce Name Has Died and Drop Her in I Would Wait a Few Moments Then I Would Violently Shake the Hamper While Shrieking Pretending to Be the Tortured Souls of Dead Barbies From the Underworld L Thought It Was Hilarious This Shit Is Honestly So Fucking Real I Had a Cindy and a Ken and One Day Cindy Was So Angry at Ken She Ripped Off Her Own Leg and Beat Him to Death With It Then I Moved Onto the Lego if Your Barbies' Lives Aren't Like Game of Thrones You're Not Doing It Right When I Was 67 I Buried My Barbie Doll in the School's Playground Because I Wanted Her Soul to Haunt It I Never Really Had Barbies but When I Was a Kid I Used to Play a Game Called 'Highway to Extinction' Which Was Just Me Jamming a Playskool Jeep Full of Dinosaur Beanie Babies and Ramming It Repeatedly Into a Wall My Barbies Were Basically Paint Brushes With Female Bodies for Handles What the Fuck Math Class Is Tough!