Apparently, Ass, and Drunk: snarling-through-our-smiles
I once lost my keys at a frat house.
My drunk ass had actually walked home
without them, pounded on my apartment
door, gotten let in by my rightfully-
disgruntled roommate, and proceeded to
pass out on the couch. Apparently I
puked in the toilet before passing out
do not remember
The next morning, I schlepped back to the
frat house. I stood there, right in front of
the front door. This was a novel
experience for me. I'd never been at a frat
house in broad daylight before.
A boy, presumably, of the house, asked
me what I was doing.
"I lost my keys in here last night, I called
back. "I was seeing if I could go in and
look for them?"
He opened the door and gestured for me
o come in.
"Go wherever you want."
I'd never seen a frat house post-party
Derore. Wandering up the stairs a
hungover and still-drunk frat boys
sandals and gym shorts, seeking out food
and showers like moths to a porch light.
A few of them threw puzzled glances my
way. I'm sure they thought I was some
I entered one room where a boy was
drunkenly watching some Old Yeller-
esque movie on a tiny TV in the corner of
his room from his bed.
"Do you like dog movies?" he asked, voice
from the fact that his face was squished
against his pillow and half-buried by his
I told him I did.
e mumbled again, pleased, and asked
what I was doing. I told him I was looking
"Sorry, I haven't seen any keys around
I didn't doubt him.
Twenty minutes had passed. I'd searched
just about every bedroom and nuclear-
at dumn-site of a bathroom in that
house. I'd given up on ever finding my
keys and was prepared to beg my
roommates' forgiveness and get a new
As I stood there in the hallway, silently
burly frat boy approached me.
"You need help with something?
"I lost my keys here last night and I can't
find them, I've looked everywhere.
"What do they look like? I'll put it into the
group chat. He was already pulling out
No one ever checks a group chat, I
thought, but what the hell. It was worth a
shot. "Um, it's just a ring of keys. The
keychain is a pink plastic cat, though, like
yea big. Like bright pink, you can't miss
He nodded, presumably typing this
description faithfully into the group chat.
"Alright, I sent the message out. Good
e turned and left.
And with that,
A few moments later, I heard a distant
and it was getting louder and louder, One
assumes that how I felt in that moment
was how Simba felt seeing the wildebeest
stampede through the ravine as a horde
large young men all thundered down
the stairs, making a beeling for me.
"Someone tell the girl!" One of them
shouted, faceless in the mob. "Girl! Hey,
GIRL! We found your keys, girl!!!
They circled around me. I hadn't felt that
old, One of them split himself off from
"Are these -"he pulled out a ring of keys
from his pocket, "your keys?
And lo, there was the distinctive bright
millennial pink cat keychain dangling off
"Yes,"I whispered. "Oh my god, yes."
The cheer went up.
Turns out he found them in the bathroom
upstairs. I thanked them again profusely.
There was a scattered round of "no
problems" and then, just
they descended, they all dispersed, like
ships in the night.
THIS is boys will be boys