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Birthday, Crush, and Drugs: Pick a number? THE BASICS REDDIT SEX & SEXUALITY 1 Age 25. How many followers do you have 49. Are you a virgin 2. Gender 26. Favorite subreddit 50. Has anyone seen you naked 3 Height 27. Favorite redditor 51. Have you any tattoos/piercings 4. Weight 28. Amount of time you spend on reddit 52. Have you had a same-sex experience Where are you from 53. Have you ever sent a nude 5. 29. How many people have you chatted with 6. Zodiac sign 30. Last person you DMd/Chatted 54. Have you ever sexted 7 First name 31 How many subreddits do you follow 55. Have you ever kissed anyone 8 Birthday 32. Do you follow any NSFW subreddits 56. Am I attractive SEXUAL NSFW FAVORITE THINGS LOOKS 9 Favorite color 33. Hair style 57. Bra/dick size 10. Favorite food 34. Hair color 58. Pubic hair: natural, trimmed, shaved or none 59. Do you have any body hair 1 Favorite music genre 35. Eye color 12. Favorite song 36. Body type / build 60. Guys-only: are you circumcised 13. Favorite movie 37. Ethnicity 61. How often do you masturbate 38. Favorite outfit 14. Favorite tv show 62. Last time you masturbated 15. Favorite animal 39. What are you wearing 63. Have you ever watched pom 64. Ideal sexual/physical attributes 40. Type of underwear you wear 16. Favorite thing to do 65. Favorite sexual fantasty LIFE / EXPERIENCE RELATIONSHIPS 66. Turns ons / Turn offs 17. Your hobbies/sports 41 Sexuality 67. Any kinks 18. Future job/ambitions 42. Relationship status 43. Who is your crush 19. Have you drank /i smoked MISC. 20. Have you done drugs 44. Celebrity crush 68. Send a selfie 70. Send me a DM/Chat message 21. Do you have any pets 45. Have you ever cheated on someone 22. Best memory 46. Ideal girtfiend /boyfriend 71. Ask whatever you like (can't say no) 23. Most embarrassing moment 47. Idea of a perfect date 72. Ask me one 24. Dream vacation 48. Have you asked anyone out Pick a number any number and maybe you’ll get what you desire....
Birthday, Crush, and Drugs: Pick a number?
 THE BASICS
 REDDIT
 SEX & SEXUALITY
 1 Age
 25. How many followers do you have
 49. Are you a virgin
 2. Gender
 26. Favorite subreddit
 50. Has anyone seen you naked
 3 Height
 27. Favorite redditor
 51. Have you any tattoos/piercings
 4. Weight
 28. Amount of time you spend on reddit
 52. Have you had a same-sex experience
 Where are you from
 53. Have you ever sent a nude
 5.
 29. How many people have you chatted with
 6. Zodiac sign
 30. Last person you DMd/Chatted
 54. Have you ever sexted
 7 First name
 31 How many subreddits do you follow
 55. Have you ever kissed anyone
 8 Birthday
 32. Do you follow any NSFW subreddits
 56. Am I attractive
 SEXUAL NSFW
 FAVORITE THINGS
 LOOKS
 9 Favorite color
 33. Hair style
 57. Bra/dick size
 10. Favorite food
 34. Hair color
 58. Pubic hair: natural, trimmed, shaved or none
 59. Do you have any body hair
 1
 Favorite music genre
 35. Eye color
 12. Favorite song
 36. Body type / build
 60. Guys-only: are you circumcised
 13. Favorite movie
 37. Ethnicity
 61. How often do you masturbate
 38. Favorite outfit
 14.
 Favorite tv show
 62. Last time you masturbated
 15. Favorite animal
 39. What are you wearing
 63. Have you ever watched pom
 64. Ideal sexual/physical attributes
 40. Type of underwear you wear
 16. Favorite thing to do
 65. Favorite sexual fantasty
 LIFE / EXPERIENCE
 RELATIONSHIPS
 66. Turns ons / Turn offs
 17. Your hobbies/sports
 41 Sexuality
 67. Any kinks
 18. Future job/ambitions
 42. Relationship status
 43. Who is your crush
 19. Have you drank /i smoked
 MISC.
 20. Have you done drugs
 44. Celebrity crush
 68. Send a selfie
 70. Send me a DM/Chat message
 21. Do you have any pets
 45. Have you ever cheated on someone
 22. Best memory
 46. Ideal girtfiend /boyfriend
 71. Ask whatever you like (can't say no)
 23. Most embarrassing moment
 47. Idea of a perfect date
 72. Ask me one
 24. Dream vacation
 48. Have you asked anyone out
Pick a number any number and maybe you’ll get what you desire....

Pick a number any number and maybe you’ll get what you desire....

How To, Wiki, and Wikihow: wH wiki How wiki How How to act normal after following each step in the WikiHow entry "How to dispose of a body"
How To, Wiki, and Wikihow: wH
 wiki How
 wiki How
How to act normal after following each step in the WikiHow entry "How to dispose of a body"

How to act normal after following each step in the WikiHow entry "How to dispose of a body"

Amazon, Church, and Jesus: selfdxd why did we forget abt the ultimate forbidden snack for people who were raised catholic/christian selfdxd belispeak these were so good i signed up to be an acolyte bc i thought the priest would let me have extras and he told me that maybe one day hed let me have a whole plate and then he moved churches before he gave me any so i ended up turning gay BFJVKDNKCNSKVNALDNCLANKAN- BCKAJCBJQK rebornhealer 165 B & H Publishing Group Broadman Church Communion White Wafers Cross Design (1 -1/8") Box of 1000 (10 Individual Packs of 100 Lord's Supper Wafers) BROADMAN Communion Wafers CHURCH SUPPLIES 10 INDIVIDUAL PACKS OF 100 Round ObleasL ROUND UNLEAVENED READY TO SERVE Approximately 1000 Sale: $14.69 ($0.01 Count) Prime We're all going to hell anyway. luigitenco AVerified Purchase Format: Grocery The Power of Christ Compels You I have to buy these for my sister at least once a month It's an addiction and I am constantly in a state of discomfort. I'm terrified out of nowhere she'll whip them out and down a full pack. 3 stars for the affordable price, though. 19 people found this helpful Helpful Report Chuck Pheltnic July 6, 2015 . Verified Purchase Format: Grocery Great for when you have the munchies and just want The tastiest 1000 tiny bits of Jesus I have ever ate. Just bought these as a holy snack. Great for when you have the munchies and just want something and it doesn't matter what. 144 people found this helpful Helpful Report Amazon Customer November 3, 2018 . nnf Verified Purchase Format: Grocery Jeezits viostormcaller JEEZITS HAS ME D Y I N G OHMYGOD Source: selfdxd The body of Christ is nice and affordable
Amazon, Church, and Jesus: selfdxd
 why did we forget abt the ultimate
 forbidden snack for people who were raised
 catholic/christian
 selfdxd
 belispeak
 these were so good i signed up to be an
 acolyte bc i thought the priest would let me
 have extras and he told me that maybe one
 day hed let me have a whole plate and then he
 moved churches before he gave me any so i
 ended up turning gay
 BFJVKDNKCNSKVNALDNCLANKAN-
 BCKAJCBJQK
 rebornhealer
 165
 B & H Publishing Group
 Broadman Church Communion White Wafers Cross
 Design (1 -1/8") Box of 1000 (10 Individual Packs of 100
 Lord's Supper Wafers)
 BROADMAN
 Communion
 Wafers
 CHURCH SUPPLIES
 10 INDIVIDUAL
 PACKS OF 100
 Round ObleasL
 ROUND
 UNLEAVENED
 READY TO SERVE
 Approximately
 1000
 Sale: $14.69 ($0.01 Count) Prime
 We're all going to hell anyway.
 luigitenco
 AVerified Purchase
 Format: Grocery
 The Power of Christ Compels You
 I have to buy these for my sister at least once a month
 It's an addiction and I am constantly in a state of
 discomfort. I'm terrified out of nowhere she'll whip
 them out and down a full pack. 3 stars for the
 affordable price, though.
 19 people found this helpful
 Helpful
 Report
 Chuck Pheltnic July 6, 2015
 .
 Verified Purchase
 Format: Grocery
 Great for when you have the munchies and just want
 The tastiest 1000 tiny bits of Jesus I have ever ate. Just
 bought these as a holy snack. Great for when you have
 the munchies and just want something and it doesn't
 matter what.
 144 people found this helpful
 Helpful
 Report
 Amazon Customer November 3, 2018
 .
 nnf Verified Purchase
 Format: Grocery
 Jeezits
 viostormcaller
 JEEZITS HAS ME D Y I N G OHMYGOD
 Source: selfdxd
The body of Christ is nice and affordable

The body of Christ is nice and affordable

Aww, Life, and Reddit: big brain Tue Creeper? Mon Indri ficus Origin_Anwar BIG BRAIN TIME Aww Man So we back in the mine Got our pickaxe swinging from side to side Side-side to side This task, a grueling one Hope to find some diamonds tonight, night, night, diamonds tonight Heads up 14h ago 69 ryguy7797 Nice. You hear a sound, turn around and look up Total shock fills your body Oh, no, it's you again I can never forget those eyes, eyes, eyes Eyes-eye-eyes 'Cause, baby, tonight The creeper's tryna steal all our stuff again 'Cause, baby, tonight You grab your pick, shovel, and bolt again (Bolt again-gain) And run, run until it's done, done Until the sun comes up in the morn' 'Cause, baby, tonight The creeper's tryna steal all our stuff again (Stuff again-gain) Just when you think you're safe Overhear some hissing from right behind Right-right behind That's a nice life you have Shame it's gotta end at this time, time, time I like women. Mon jerry withers Reddit can't drive. I hate it whenever Reddit wants to take me out to lunch somewhere because he always likes to swerve into the left lane to make sure we're all awake, and frankly I'm nervous we're gonna hit someone at some point! Also he was never circumcised, and I know this because he has this fact airburushed on the side of his van. But he's always been a top shelf friend, and alwa more wth... Mon Уууееееettttt sex penis?!?!? Time-time-time-time- Not that good Sat Blows up hdgueft Then your health bar drops and you could use a one-up Does not work as a toaster Get inside, don't be tardy So, now you're stuck in there Half a heart is left, but don't die, die, die Die-Die-Die 'Cause. baby, tonight Joke app reviews are underrated
Aww, Life, and Reddit: big brain
 Tue
 Creeper?
 Mon
 Indri ficus
 Origin_Anwar
 BIG BRAIN TIME
 Aww Man
 So we back in the mine
 Got our pickaxe swinging from side to side
 Side-side to side
 This task, a grueling one
 Hope to find some diamonds tonight, night, night, diamonds tonight
 Heads up
 14h ago
 69
 ryguy7797
 Nice.
 You hear a sound, turn around and look up
 Total shock fills your body
 Oh, no, it's you again
 I can never forget those eyes, eyes, eyes
 Eyes-eye-eyes
 'Cause, baby, tonight
 The creeper's tryna steal all our stuff again
 'Cause, baby, tonight
 You grab your pick, shovel, and bolt again (Bolt again-gain)
 And run, run until it's done, done
 Until the sun comes up in the morn'
 'Cause, baby, tonight
 The creeper's tryna steal all our stuff again (Stuff again-gain)
 Just when you think you're safe
 Overhear some hissing from right behind
 Right-right behind
 That's a nice life you have
 Shame it's gotta end at this time, time, time
 I like women.
 Mon
 jerry withers
 Reddit can't drive. I hate it whenever Reddit wants to take
 me out to lunch somewhere because he always likes to
 swerve into the left lane to make sure we're all awake, and
 frankly I'm nervous we're gonna hit someone at some
 point! Also he was never circumcised, and I know this
 because he has this fact airburushed on the side of his
 van. But he's always been a top shelf friend, and alwa
 more
 wth...
 Mon
 Уууееееettttt
 sex penis?!?!?
 Time-time-time-time-
 Not that good
 Sat
 Blows up
 hdgueft
 Then your health bar drops and you could use a one-up
 Does not work as a toaster
 Get inside, don't be tardy
 So, now you're stuck in there
 Half a heart is left, but don't die, die, die
 Die-Die-Die
 'Cause. baby, tonight
Joke app reviews are underrated

Joke app reviews are underrated

Bad, Cute, and Lol: reddit NoStupidQuestions comments Why do most men prefer cute, small women with slim hips Unanswered and a small chest? submitted 7 hours ago by 29 comments share save hide give award report crosspost sorted by: best you are viewing a single comment's thread. view the rest of the comments point an hour ago different individual I think it varies from man to man as eaach man is Edit: Oh no not you again reply permalink embed save edit disable inbox replies delete 1 point an hour ago You're really bad at this, lol reply permalink embed save parent report give award M point an hour ago H The man you were harassing and pretending to be posted here. It's not that obvious to tell that it's just you again. reply permalink embed save parent edit disable inbox replies delete point an hour ago As I said you're really bad at this. As a tip: don't post weird shit like this on all of your accounts, it makes it super obvious... https://www.reddit.com/r/Cringetopia/comments/cdnmfp/umm what_happened_to_this_persons_body/ reply permalink embed save parent report give award 1 point just now You got me, I'm clearly the entire posting population of /r/BotchedSurgeries. You've foiled my plans! /s You must have a very sad existence when you, someone with multiple accounts, accuses other people of having multiple accounts. permalink embed reply parent edit disable inbox replies delete save Remember the neckbeard possible pedophile that was stalking the Chinese girl? He’s now harassing me.
Bad, Cute, and Lol: reddit
 NoStupidQuestions
 comments
 Why do most men prefer cute, small women with slim hips
 Unanswered
 and a small chest?
 submitted 7 hours ago by
 29 comments share
 save hide give award report crosspost
 sorted by: best
 you are viewing a single comment's thread.
 view the rest of the comments
 point an hour ago
 different individual
 I think it varies from man to man as eaach man is
 Edit: Oh no not you again
 reply
 permalink embed save edit disable inbox replies delete
 1 point an hour ago
 You're really bad at this, lol
 reply
 permalink embed save parent report give award
 M point an hour ago
 H
 The man you were harassing and pretending to be posted here.
 It's not that obvious to tell that it's just you again.
 reply
 permalink embed save parent edit disable inbox replies delete
 point an hour ago
 As I said you're really bad at this.
 As a tip: don't post weird shit like this on all of your accounts,
 it makes it super obvious...
 https://www.reddit.com/r/Cringetopia/comments/cdnmfp/umm
 what_happened_to_this_persons_body/
 reply
 permalink embed save parent report give award
 1 point just now
 You got me, I'm clearly the entire posting population of
 /r/BotchedSurgeries. You've foiled my plans! /s
 You must have a very sad existence when you, someone
 with multiple accounts, accuses other people of having
 multiple accounts.
 permalink embed
 reply
 parent edit
 disable inbox replies delete
 save
Remember the neckbeard possible pedophile that was stalking the Chinese girl? He’s now harassing me.

Remember the neckbeard possible pedophile that was stalking the Chinese girl? He’s now harassing me.

Bones, Fresh, and Taken: The Lich Necromancer This killer was taken over by the entity several hundred years ago. Since three years have passed and the entity gets displeased more often it decided to send out his oldest killer out to the realms of Dead by Daylight. More lore in the comments! Power: The Walking Dead |You start the trial with two fresh graves randomly spawned on the map. 4 The Walking Dead increases the gauge while in a chase. When your gauge is full you can walk over to wrse | a fresh grave of your choice to summon a ghoul. (Needs to refill, also a 120 sec. cooldown.) For the animation I thought about the Lich opening a spellbook magically browsing the pages a little bit until animation finished.] *The Lich/Necromancer forces with his power the fresh buried body to serve and chase down the survivors. Ghouls are very slow. But keep in mind if the Lich mindgames you into its direction he might bite you applying the mangled status effect. Ghouls can be annihiltated by blinding them, otherwise the will collapse after 60 sec. Weapon: Staff (obviously) Speed: 4.4m/s (hovering) Second ability (M2): Where a pallet has been |destroyed the Lich can create a vaultable wall of bones (4) which survivors have to vault slowly. After vaulting the same wall by the same survivor the second time the wall will collapse immediately. (You cannot create bonewalls while in a chase, means you cannot chase a survivor and put down a bonewall right in front of him.) Paralysis: The survivors are paralysed of fear thinking of what the killer would do to his victim. After picking up a survivor the other survivors cannot use any items for 15/25/35 seconds. (Can only be triggered once every 60 seconds.) Hex: Entity's Eyes: After cleansing the totem both the killer's and survivors auras are revealed to each other by the entity for 5/9/13 seconds. Death and Decay: Death is contagious. Survivors put into the Dying State suffer from decay regressing their remaining health 5/7/9% faster. (Or make this an obsession perk.) Ohttps://t1p.de/yhxp Killer concept: The Lich / Necromancer
Bones, Fresh, and Taken: The Lich Necromancer
 This killer was taken over by the entity several hundred years ago. Since three
 years have passed and the entity gets displeased more often it decided to send
 out his oldest killer out to the realms of Dead by Daylight.
 More lore in the comments!
 Power: The Walking Dead
 |You start the trial with two fresh graves randomly spawned on the map.
 4
 The Walking Dead increases the gauge while in a chase. When your gauge is full you can walk over to
 wrse
 | a fresh grave of your choice to summon a ghoul. (Needs to refill, also a 120 sec. cooldown.)
 For the animation I thought about the Lich opening a spellbook magically browsing the pages a little bit until animation finished.]
 *The Lich/Necromancer forces with his power the fresh buried body to serve and chase down the survivors.
 Ghouls are very slow. But keep in mind if the Lich mindgames you into its direction he might bite you applying
 the mangled status effect. Ghouls can be annihiltated by blinding them, otherwise the will collapse after 60 sec.
 Weapon: Staff (obviously)
 Speed: 4.4m/s
 (hovering)
 Second ability (M2): Where a pallet has been
 |destroyed the Lich can create a vaultable wall
 of bones (4) which survivors have to vault slowly.
 After vaulting the same wall by the same
 survivor the second time the wall will
 collapse immediately. (You cannot create
 bonewalls while in a chase, means you
 cannot chase a survivor and put down
 a bonewall right in front of him.)
 Paralysis: The survivors are paralysed of
 fear thinking of what the killer would do
 to his victim. After picking up a survivor the
 other survivors cannot use any items for
 15/25/35 seconds. (Can only be triggered once
 every 60 seconds.)
 Hex: Entity's Eyes: After cleansing the totem
 both the killer's and survivors auras are
 revealed to each other by the entity for
 5/9/13 seconds.
 Death and Decay: Death is contagious. Survivors
 put into the Dying State suffer from decay
 regressing their remaining health 5/7/9% faster.
 (Or make this an obsession perk.)
 Ohttps://t1p.de/yhxp
Killer concept: The Lich / Necromancer

Killer concept: The Lich / Necromancer

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Me irl
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Me irl

Me irl

Anxiety, Depression, and Amazing: When a demon possesses your body, but can’t handle your depression and anxiety as well as you can because you’re actually an amazing person.
Anxiety, Depression, and Amazing: When a demon possesses your body, but can’t handle your depression and anxiety as well as you can because you’re actually an amazing person.

When a demon possesses your body, but can’t handle your depression and anxiety as well as you can because you’re actually an amazing person.

Appalled, Beautiful, and Bodies : 9+ 9+ Do you think it stops at someone just thinking "nice butt, or nice breast"? Or do those thoughts lead to way more sexual 2 hrs thoughts? I will probably step on some toes with this, but my filter is broken and I don't really care. Some people on here need to read this. We need to think about what this company stands Parents what are your kids listening to? Looking at? What is being peddled to your children? What ideas and notions are being peddled to your kids about sex? Their bodies? Relationships? Self worth? for. Read the article. You'd think "feminist" would be all kinds of appalled by VS, especially after reading this It's not women designing what their bras and panties are going to look like at VS, but men. Fifty years ago VS ads and the half naked women on the Shocker alert they sell bras and panties at other stores. Stores that aren't peddling the idea of cheap sex and objectifying women. Shop at the other stores. Stop parading you and your children's breast and butts all over the place. You have a beautiful body, great! You can still love and think your body is beautiful under your clothes. Let your soul front of their stores would have been considered pornography. But we say things like it's "2019". So what! Does 2019 mean we can't have any morals? And for believers the Bible says that God is the same yesterday, today, and always. I'm always a little surprised by the people I see wearing the PINK line of stuff. Why in the world are 12-13 year old girls wearing clothing with words on the butt (even 14,15,16 years up duck lips. People love you for YOU, not your body. old and beyond)? You're essentially buying clothes for your children that draw attention to their butt. Who do you think is looking at their butt? Do you really want boys their age staring at their butt? Do you really want grown men checking out your daughters butt? Think about it. 80% of men have problems with pornography and you trust that men aren't staring at your daughters breast or butt! Don't think that a man's struggle isn't your problem when you prance yourself and your children around half naked. You are part of the problem. And even if you don't believe you are adding to the problem, what are the motives behind butts and breast spilled out everywhere? I'm also amazed by supposed to judge", go back and read what the Bible really how women will dress in front of their own children. To the shine in front of others ins ad, because that's what matters. Let people see beautiful smiles instead of puckered Don't get offended. Ask yourself if what I'm saying has merit first. Really think about it. Pray about it. Don't delude yourselves. If you agree give me an "amen" because I'm pretty sure I'm going to upset some people. Sorry, not sorry. I love myself, other women, my own daughters, and sons enough to speak truth. And before someone reading this thinks "you're not says. It's says we are to righteously judge. We are to hold each other accountable. We are to be set apart. We are to not love worldly things. And if I'm ever running around half naked in public, please mom with a son who dresses with everything hanging out, one day your son will be a teenager, and guess what his teenage friends are going to say about you to him? And if for some reason you like the idea of what those teen boys will say, then you have some big issues you need to work through judge me and love me enough to confront me. VICTORIA'S SECRE Do you think it stops at someone just thinking "nice butt, or ninn hr t r d th tha htn ln t mar o2 9+ 9+ 2 T11 Found this gem on my profile...
Appalled, Beautiful, and Bodies : 9+
 9+
 Do you think it stops at someone just thinking "nice butt, or
 nice breast"? Or do those thoughts lead to way more sexual
 2 hrs
 thoughts?
 I will probably step on some toes with this, but my filter is
 broken and I don't really care. Some people on here need to
 read this. We need to think about what this company stands
 Parents what are your kids listening to? Looking at? What
 is being peddled to your children? What ideas and notions
 are being peddled to your kids about sex? Their bodies?
 Relationships? Self worth?
 for. Read the article. You'd think "feminist" would be all
 kinds of appalled by VS, especially after reading this
 It's not women designing what their bras and panties are
 going to look like at VS, but men.
 Fifty years ago VS ads and the half naked women on the
 Shocker alert they sell bras and panties at other stores.
 Stores that aren't peddling the idea of cheap sex and
 objectifying women. Shop at the other stores. Stop parading
 you and your children's breast and butts all over the place.
 You have a beautiful body, great! You can still love and think
 your body is beautiful under your clothes. Let your soul
 front of their stores would have been considered
 pornography. But we say things like it's "2019". So what!
 Does 2019 mean we can't have any morals?
 And for believers the Bible says that God is the same
 yesterday, today, and always.
 I'm always a little surprised by the people I see wearing the
 PINK line of stuff. Why in the world are 12-13 year old girls
 wearing clothing with words on the butt (even 14,15,16 years up duck lips. People love you for YOU, not your body.
 old and beyond)? You're essentially buying clothes for your
 children that draw attention to their butt. Who do you think
 is looking at their butt? Do you really want boys their age
 staring at their butt? Do you really want grown men
 checking out your daughters butt? Think about it. 80% of
 men have problems with pornography and you trust that
 men aren't staring at your daughters breast or butt! Don't
 think that a man's struggle isn't your problem when you
 prance yourself and your children around half naked. You
 are part of the problem. And even if you don't believe you
 are adding to the problem, what are the motives behind
 butts and breast spilled out everywhere? I'm also amazed by supposed to judge", go back and read what the Bible really
 how women will dress in front of their own children. To the
 shine in front of others ins
 ad, because that's what
 matters. Let people see beautiful smiles instead of puckered
 Don't get offended. Ask yourself if what I'm saying has merit
 first. Really think about it. Pray about it. Don't delude
 yourselves.
 If you agree give me an "amen" because I'm pretty sure I'm
 going to upset some people.
 Sorry, not sorry. I love myself, other women, my own
 daughters, and sons enough to speak truth.
 And before someone reading this thinks "you're not
 says. It's says we are to righteously judge. We are to hold
 each other accountable. We are to be set apart. We are to
 not love worldly things.
 And if I'm ever running around half naked in public, please
 mom with a son who dresses with everything hanging out,
 one day your son will be a teenager, and guess what his
 teenage friends are going to say about you to him? And if
 for some reason you like the idea of what those teen boys
 will say, then you have some big issues you need to work
 through
 judge me and love me enough to confront me.
 VICTORIA'S SECRE
 Do you think it stops at someone just thinking "nice butt, or
 ninn hr t r d th tha htn ln t mar
 o2
 9+
 9+
 2
 T11
Found this gem on my profile...

Found this gem on my profile...