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Alive, Bodies , and Brains: ilthat TIL that due to their small brains koalas are unable to perform complex, unfamiliar tasks such as eat leaves off of flat surfaces. via reddit.com toast-potent how are they even alive kickin-jeans eucalyptus trees are full of flammable oil that causes the trees to explode during forest fires, killing other trees and spreading its seeds to grow in their place koalas survive solely because nothing else in their environment Wants To Eat The Fucking Bombs humandisastersquad WROTE THIS POST#god dont get me fuckin started#the NUMBER of times ive Gone Off abt koalas in zooarch class#on a scale of koalas to wombats how good is ur marsupial at Being Alive#hey hey u know what else? koalas are s0 picky with their diet that theyll only eat the leaves of one (1) type of eucalypt#and even then ONLY specimens of that tree that are within a very tight geographic range of where the koala was born#the rescue centre in my city? they have to ship branches from all over the state bc koalas there physically Will Not Eat anything thats not#from their very very small very precise home range#theyd rather starve to death than try leaves from like the next suburb over#i have 60 other reasons why koalas spit in the face of natural selection hmu if you want YELLING i cant be bothered to list them all here#god theyre so incomprehensibly dumb. god#HEY ALSO the reason their brains are so small is bc YEah the one SINGLE species of tree they eat is incredibly toxic#their diet consists of 1 food and it is Brain-Shrinking Poison (@reyroace) reyroace oh u like that? try this one: the main natural cause of death in koalas is starvation, because 1) their dumbass teeth are SHIT. to be a herbivore and chomp cellulose all day u need some real tough grinders in there, and almost every other herbivore in nature has SOME sort of dental adaptation to make sure they dont run out of tooth by the time they hit middle age. horses have big tall teeth, wombat teeth grow forever, kangaroos have got a little conveyor belt system goin on, etc etc everyone's doin SOMETHING except fuckign koalas. idiots have tiny fuckin shortass normal teeth that do an okay job for maybe like 15 years and then wear down and leave them with ridiculous fuckin useless old man gums that do shit all. but thats fine bc all koalas do anyway is sit in trees and sleep 22hrs a day then wake up and scream and eat poison and they do this all day every day until they run out of teeth at which point they just fall out of the tree and die 2) idiots can't die any other fuckin way bc nothing in nature wants to eat them bc their bodies are chocker block with LITERAL poison. fuckin USELESS their flesh just sits around and slowly rots bc its too gross-tasting and toxic for any animal w half a brain cell to think abt going near it. have yall ever seen koala viscera. bc i have and let me tell u that shit is RANK. looks like the inside of a smoker's lung from some fuckdamn nicabate ad bc the tannins in eucalypt leaves stain their organs like khaki black. like some fuckin darklsteve irwin costume well better piss ur way right off from this one anti-steve bc thats a natural defense mechanism meant to warn u that koalas should in no way be alive and if u touch them theyll drag u into their stupid evolutionary dead-end where they get to sit around all day doin fuck all and pumpin themselves full of brain-killing poison while we run around makin them our olympic games mascots and pretending theyre cute and honest to god looking for ways to save them from the brink of extinction which actually is unnecessary bc a) theyre not really endangered at all, nature is a fuckign miracle and b) the drongos clearly want to die so i say let em reyroace by the way i never elaborated on "koalas sit in trees all day screaming" but heres a lil fuckin. heres a fun nugget heres a lil soundbyte this is what koalas sound like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-jmeBQVQlsTU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-O0CAx1jLbJk gallusrostromegalus My favorite story about Koalas comes from the book The Killer Koala Humorous Australian Bush Stories" By Kenneth Cook, which is an excellently good book with some A+ storytelling. he describes the Koala's "Anti-Dingo Defense", wherein they latch on to the belly of the dingo to slow down the rate at which they are being consumed alive by starving canid, gradually trn themselves around until they've got thier head in the Dingo's crotch, and then procede to BITE THE SHIT out of the Dingo's Tender Bits, whilst clowing at the ribs and projectile-evacuating thier bowels, Mr. Cook found out about the Anti-Dingo Defense beause he was tricked into 'rescuing' a bunch of koalas off an island by the promise of a Hot Date with a young lady, wondered why they were all being given armored aprons to handle the koalas with, only to find out firsthand, which pretty much ruined his prospects of a date. teratomarty What I'm getting is that koalas are basically Australian-grade Death Sloths. the more you know
Alive, Bodies , and Brains: ilthat
 TIL that due to their small brains koalas are unable to perform complex,
 unfamiliar tasks such as eat leaves off of flat surfaces.
 via reddit.com
 toast-potent
 how are they even alive
 kickin-jeans
 eucalyptus trees are full of flammable oil that causes the trees to explode during
 forest fires, killing other trees and spreading its seeds to grow in their place
 koalas survive solely because nothing else in their environment Wants To Eat
 The Fucking Bombs
 humandisastersquad
 WROTE THIS POST#god dont get me fuckin started#the NUMBER of times
 ive Gone Off abt koalas in zooarch class#on a scale of koalas to wombats how
 good is ur marsupial at Being Alive#hey hey u know what else? koalas are s0
 picky with their diet that theyll only eat the leaves of one (1) type of eucalypt#and
 even then ONLY specimens of that tree that are within a very tight geographic
 range of where the koala was born#the rescue centre in my city? they have to
 ship branches from all over the state bc koalas there physically Will Not Eat
 anything thats not#from their very very small very precise home range#theyd
 rather starve to death than try leaves from like the next suburb over#i have 60
 other reasons why koalas spit in the face of natural selection hmu if you want
 YELLING i cant be bothered to list them all here#god theyre so
 incomprehensibly dumb. god#HEY ALSO the reason their brains are so small is
 bc YEah the one SINGLE species of tree they eat is incredibly toxic#their diet
 consists of 1 food and it is Brain-Shrinking Poison (@reyroace)
 reyroace
 oh u like that? try this one: the main natural cause of death in koalas is
 starvation, because
 1) their dumbass teeth are SHIT. to be a herbivore and chomp cellulose all day u
 need some real tough grinders in there, and almost every other herbivore in
 nature has SOME sort of dental adaptation to make sure they dont run out of
 tooth by the time they hit middle age. horses have big tall teeth, wombat teeth
 grow forever, kangaroos have got a little conveyor belt system goin on, etc etc
 everyone's doin SOMETHING except fuckign koalas. idiots have tiny fuckin
 shortass normal teeth that do an okay job for maybe like 15 years and then wear
 down and leave them with ridiculous fuckin useless old man gums that do shit
 all. but thats fine bc all koalas do anyway is sit in trees and sleep 22hrs a day
 then wake up and scream and eat poison and they do this all day every day until
 they run out of teeth at which point they just fall out of the tree and die
 2) idiots can't die any other fuckin way bc nothing in nature wants to eat them bc
 their bodies are chocker block with LITERAL poison. fuckin USELESS their flesh
 just sits around and slowly rots bc its too gross-tasting and toxic for any animal
 w half a brain cell to think abt going near it. have yall ever seen koala viscera. bc
 i have and let me tell u that shit is RANK. looks like the inside of a smoker's lung
 from some fuckdamn nicabate ad bc the tannins in eucalypt leaves stain their
 organs like khaki black. like some fuckin darklsteve irwin costume well better
 piss ur way right off from this one anti-steve bc thats a natural defense
 mechanism meant to warn u that koalas should in no way be alive and if u touch
 them theyll drag u into their stupid evolutionary dead-end where they get to sit
 around all day doin fuck all and pumpin themselves full of brain-killing poison
 while we run around makin them our olympic games mascots and pretending
 theyre cute and honest to god looking for ways to save them from the brink of
 extinction which actually is unnecessary bc a) theyre not really endangered at
 all, nature is a fuckign miracle and b) the drongos clearly want to die so i say let
 em
 reyroace
 by the way i never elaborated on "koalas sit in trees all day screaming" but heres
 a lil fuckin. heres a fun nugget heres a lil soundbyte this is what koalas sound
 like
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-jmeBQVQlsTU
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-O0CAx1jLbJk
 gallusrostromegalus
 My favorite story about Koalas comes from the book The Killer Koala
 Humorous Australian Bush Stories" By Kenneth Cook, which is an excellently
 good book with some A+ storytelling. he describes the Koala's "Anti-Dingo
 Defense", wherein they latch on to the belly of the dingo to slow down the rate at
 which they are being consumed alive by starving canid, gradually trn themselves
 around until they've got thier head in the Dingo's crotch, and then procede to
 BITE THE SHIT out of the Dingo's Tender Bits, whilst clowing at the ribs and
 projectile-evacuating thier bowels,
 Mr. Cook found out about the Anti-Dingo Defense beause he was tricked
 into 'rescuing' a bunch of koalas off an island by the promise of a Hot Date with
 a young lady, wondered why they were all being given armored aprons to handle
 the koalas with, only to find out firsthand, which pretty much ruined his prospects
 of a date.
 teratomarty
 What I'm getting is that koalas are basically Australian-grade Death Sloths.
the more you know

the more you know

Af, Being Alone, and America: MARIAH CAREY Not Another White Girl Trying To Sing Black' Daughter of Black father and White mother is hottest new artist By Lynn Norment ARIAH CAREY has a score to settle. Last summer, soon after her debut recording started racing up the record charts, she says a music critic referred to her as "another White girl trying to sing Black." Carey, indisputably the hottest new artist of the year, was infuriated A hit on Black and White charts, Mariah Carey is biggest new pop star since Whitney Houston 54 EB NY March 1991 Continued on Page 56 Denying reports that she is a White star imitating Blacks, talented singer-lyricist poses (left) at New York luncheon. "My father, Carey says, "is Black and Venezuelan, my mother is Irish. That makes me a combination of all those things." MARIAH CAREY Continued sing a certain way. I'm just trying to be Because she and her mother moved And now, here at a luncheon at Lolas me. And if people enjoy my music, often, she didn't have many close n Manhattan, she has the then they shouldn't care what I am, so friends or get involved in high school music programs. Instead, she spent af- straight and "tactfully" correct the Carey says she has always loved to ter-school hours writing songs and ing, and she gives credit and thanks to making demo tapes with longtime ac- perfect opportunity to set the record it shouldn't be an issue erring critic. "Im not a White girl trying to sing her mother for the "genes. Her quaintance Ben Margulies Black," the 20-year-old singer says in mother started giving her vocal lessons I 1987, right after finishing high an interview soon after. “My father is when she was four years old, and she school at age 17, she moved from her Black and Venezuelan, my mother is spent considerable time around her mother's home on Long Island into a Irish. That makes me a combination of mom's musically talented friends, one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan all those things. I am a human being, a soaking up the sounds of Billie Holiday with two other struggling performers During this exceptionally lean period, As a kid, she also spent a lot of time she slept on a mattress on the floor and Though barely out of her teens, Ma- listening to the radio and her sister's worked as a waitress, hat checker and riah Carey is indeed her own woman records. The soulful sounds of Gladys restaurant hostess to make ends meet She grew up in New York with her Knight, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Before and after work, she diligently mother, Patricia Carey, a vocal coach Wonder and Al Green were constant shopped her demo tapes from record and former singer with the New York companions. She sang along and stud- company to record company, but was person. What I am not is a White girl trying to sing Black. and Sarah Vaughan City Opera. Her parents divorced ed the lyrics and arrangements. By basically ignored when she was three, and Carey had an the time she was in high school, Carey ther, Alfred Roy Carey, an aeronautica which appear on her recordin a brother, 29, and a sister, 30.) back on-and-off" relationship with her fa was writing her own songs, several of up to Brenda K. Starr, and she was reg ularly doing studio session work. "We engineer in Washington, D.C. (She has Gospel music was also a great influ became good friends, and she helped ence. On occasion, she accompanied me out a lot," she says of Starr. "She Some people look at me and they her paternal grandmother, who is was always saying, Here's my friend see my light skin and my hair," she says Black, to a Baptist church. Even today, Mariah, here's her tape; she sings Eventually she began running a slender, neatly manicured she says, "I get up and go to bed listen- writes..。。.. hand through her long, semi-curly, ing to gospel music." Her favorites i It was Starr who took Carey to the honey-colored tresses for emphasis. "I clude the Clark Sisters, Shirley Caesar CBS party where she was discovered can't help the way I look, because it's and Edwin Hawkins, in addition to Ar me. I don't try to look a certain way or etha Franklin and Al Green 56 At t Sony Music Entertainment) president Continued on Page 58 EBONY March 1991 ways felt kind of different from every one else in my neighborhoods. I was a different person-ethnically. And sometimes that can be a problem. If you look a certain way everybody goes White girl, and I'd go, No, that's not Carey chose to express her inner- most feelings in her songs rather than become depressed and bitter. You re ally have to look inside yourself and find your own inner strength, and say, Im proud of what I am and who I am and I'm just going to be myself And for Carey, that translates into being a "respected" singer and song writer. But her phenomenal success has not inflated her head or her bank account, for she has yet to realize any monies from the album's success. The days when she and two struggling roommates stretched out a boxed mac aroni dinner for a week are still too Vivid, she says And, no, I don't let stuff like this go to my head, because success isn't a scale for talent," says the singer. I don't want to be a big star,' but I want to be respected as an artist. I'm de- Black singers, Carey lighted and very thankful [that people Influenced by Gladys Knight, Aretha Franklin and other started writing songs ike her work] in high school. She is a big gospel musio fan. "This is my love," she says emphat ically. "I want to sing for the rest of my MARIAH CAREY Continued more than two million copies. In At this point, she sings every chance Tommy Mottola a demo. In return, he ically, Carey wrote "Love Takes Time" she gets. In the studio. During promo gave her a Great-another demo for a second LP. But when Mottola tional stops. In the shower. Around her tape" smile, and Carey assumed it was another dead end. But on leaving the heard it, he insisted on stop g the one-bedroom Upper East Side Marn hattan apartment. To the boyfriend/ affair, Mottola popped the demo into but album, even though some record singer she's known since high school presses and adding the song to her de- his limo's tape deck. He liked what he ings were already in record stores heard so much that he immediately re- To her two Persian cats Carey says she was just as startled as Singing makes me incredibly turned to the party to find Carey. But anyone that Vision of Love" hit so big happy," she says. "Music makes me im she had already left because "it isn't hip-hop music, it isn't measurably h Having no address or telephone house music, and it isn't rap. But I am number did not deter Mottola from so glad and thankful," she says. That tracking her down. Ironically, another song really represents everything in record company had expressed mild interest in Carey, and a bit of a biddii war evolved my life. It is a song from the heart. ing Consider the lyrics: "Prayed through the nights/Felt so alone/Suf In December 1988, she signed with fered from alienation/Carried the CBS Columbia Records. Within a weight on my own/Had to be strong/So week she wrote Vision of Love" for I believed/And now I know I've suc- her debut album. In fact, she wrote ceeded/In finding the place I con- lyrics for all l songs on her self-titled ceived LP, and she even produced Vanish- the lissome artist with the clear, passio- inging "America The Beautiful" at the Just why would such a seemingly tender womanchild write these words Columbia went all-out to promote of despair and sing them with suclh deep passion? nate seven-octave voice, flexing a little "Well, just because you are young clout to get her the coveted task of doesn't mean that you haven't had a hard life," she says with a knowing lit 1989 NBA finals, where she was ex- tle smile. "It's been difficult for me, posed to 16 million people. Both "Vi moving around so much, having to sion of Love" and "Love Takes Time grow up by myself, basically on my have gone gold, and the album has sold own, my parents divorced. And I al EBONY March 1991 festivemomentspow:Mariah Carey, 1991
Af, Being Alone, and America: MARIAH CAREY
 Not Another
 White Girl
 Trying To
 Sing Black'
 Daughter of Black father
 and White mother is
 hottest new artist
 By Lynn Norment
 ARIAH CAREY has a score to settle. Last
 summer, soon after her debut recording
 started racing up the record charts, she says a
 music critic referred to her as "another White
 girl trying to sing Black."
 Carey, indisputably the hottest new artist of
 the year, was infuriated
 A hit on Black and White
 charts, Mariah Carey is
 biggest new pop star
 since Whitney Houston
 54
 EB NY March 1991
 Continued on Page 56

 Denying reports that she is a White star imitating Blacks, talented singer-lyricist poses (left) at New York luncheon. "My father, Carey says, "is Black
 and Venezuelan, my mother is Irish. That makes me a combination of all those things."
 MARIAH CAREY Continued
 sing a certain way. I'm just trying to be
 Because she and her mother moved
 And now, here at a luncheon at Lolas me. And if people enjoy my music, often, she didn't have many close
 n Manhattan, she has the then they shouldn't care what I am, so friends or get involved in high school
 music programs. Instead, she spent af-
 straight and "tactfully" correct the Carey says she has always loved to ter-school hours writing songs and
 ing, and she gives credit and thanks to making demo tapes with longtime ac-
 perfect opportunity to set the record
 it shouldn't be an issue
 erring critic.
 "Im not a White girl trying to sing her mother for the "genes. Her quaintance Ben Margulies
 Black," the 20-year-old singer says in mother started giving her vocal lessons I 1987, right after finishing high
 an interview soon after. “My father is when she was four years old, and she school at age 17, she moved from her
 Black and Venezuelan, my mother is spent considerable time around her mother's home on Long Island into a
 Irish. That makes me a combination of mom's musically talented friends, one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan
 all those things. I am a human being, a soaking up the sounds of Billie Holiday with two other struggling performers
 During this exceptionally lean period,
 As a kid, she also spent a lot of time she slept on a mattress on the floor and
 Though barely out of her teens, Ma- listening to the radio and her sister's worked as a waitress, hat checker and
 riah Carey is indeed her own woman records. The soulful sounds of Gladys restaurant hostess to make ends meet
 She grew up in New York with her Knight, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Before and after work, she diligently
 mother, Patricia Carey, a vocal coach Wonder and Al Green were constant shopped her demo tapes from record
 and former singer with the New York companions. She sang along and stud- company to record company, but was
 person. What I am not is a White girl
 trying to sing Black.
 and Sarah Vaughan
 City Opera. Her parents divorced ed the lyrics and arrangements. By basically ignored
 when she was three, and Carey had an the time she was in high school, Carey
 ther, Alfred Roy Carey, an aeronautica which appear on her recordin
 a brother, 29, and a sister, 30.)
 back
 on-and-off" relationship with her fa was writing her own songs, several of up to Brenda K. Starr, and she was reg
 ularly doing studio session work. "We
 engineer in Washington, D.C. (She has Gospel music was also a great influ became good friends, and she helped
 ence. On occasion, she accompanied me out a lot," she says of Starr. "She
 Some people look at me and they her paternal grandmother, who is was always saying, Here's my friend
 see my light skin and my hair," she says Black, to a Baptist church. Even today, Mariah, here's her tape; she sings
 Eventually she began
 running a slender, neatly manicured
 she says, "I get up and go to bed listen-
 writes..。。..
 hand through her long, semi-curly, ing to gospel music." Her favorites i It was Starr who took Carey to the
 honey-colored tresses for emphasis. "I clude the Clark Sisters, Shirley Caesar CBS party where she was discovered
 can't help the way I look, because it's and Edwin Hawkins, in addition to Ar
 me. I don't try to look a certain way or etha Franklin and Al Green
 56
 At t
 Sony Music Entertainment) president
 Continued on Page 58
 EBONY March 1991

 ways felt kind of different from every
 one else in my neighborhoods. I was a
 different person-ethnically. And
 sometimes that can be a problem. If
 you look a certain way everybody goes
 White girl, and I'd go, No, that's not
 Carey chose to express her inner-
 most feelings in her songs rather than
 become depressed and bitter. You re
 ally have to look inside yourself and
 find your own inner strength, and say,
 Im proud of what I am and who I am
 and I'm just going to be myself
 And for Carey, that translates into
 being a "respected" singer and song
 writer. But her phenomenal success
 has not inflated her head or her bank
 account, for she has yet to realize any
 monies from the album's success. The
 days when she and two struggling
 roommates stretched out a boxed mac
 aroni dinner for a week are still too
 Vivid, she says
 And, no, I don't let stuff like this go
 to my head, because success isn't a
 scale for talent," says the singer. I
 don't want to be a big star,' but I want
 to be respected as an artist. I'm de-
 Black singers, Carey lighted and very thankful [that people
 Influenced by Gladys
 Knight, Aretha
 Franklin and other
 started writing songs ike her work]
 in high school. She
 is a big gospel musio
 fan.
 "This is my love," she says emphat
 ically. "I want to sing for the rest of my
 MARIAH CAREY Continued
 more than two million copies. In At this point, she sings every chance
 Tommy Mottola a demo. In return, he ically, Carey wrote "Love Takes Time" she gets. In the studio. During promo
 gave her a Great-another demo for a second LP. But when Mottola tional stops. In the shower. Around her
 tape" smile, and Carey assumed it was
 another dead end. But on leaving the
 heard it, he insisted on stop
 g the one-bedroom Upper East Side Marn
 hattan apartment. To the boyfriend/
 affair, Mottola popped the demo into but album, even though some record singer she's known since high school
 presses and adding the song to her de-
 his limo's tape deck. He liked what he ings were already in record stores
 heard so much that he immediately re-
 To her two Persian cats
 Carey says she was just as startled as
 Singing makes me incredibly
 turned to the party to find Carey. But anyone that Vision of Love" hit so big happy," she says. "Music makes me im
 she had already left
 because "it isn't hip-hop music, it isn't measurably h
 Having no address or telephone house music, and it isn't rap. But I am
 number did not deter Mottola from so glad and thankful," she says. That
 tracking her down. Ironically, another song really represents everything in
 record company had expressed mild
 interest in Carey, and a bit of a biddii
 war evolved
 my life. It is a song from the heart.
 ing
 Consider the lyrics: "Prayed
 through the nights/Felt so alone/Suf
 In December 1988, she signed with fered from alienation/Carried the
 CBS Columbia Records. Within a weight on my own/Had to be strong/So
 week she wrote Vision of Love" for I believed/And now I know I've suc-
 her debut album. In fact, she wrote ceeded/In finding the place I con-
 lyrics for all l songs on her self-titled ceived
 LP, and she even produced Vanish-
 the lissome artist with the clear, passio-
 inging "America The Beautiful" at the
 Just why would such a seemingly
 tender womanchild write these words
 Columbia went all-out to promote of despair and sing them with suclh
 deep passion?
 nate seven-octave voice, flexing a little "Well, just because you are young
 clout to get her the coveted task of doesn't mean that you haven't had a
 hard life," she says with a knowing lit
 1989 NBA finals, where she was ex- tle smile. "It's been difficult for me,
 posed to 16 million people. Both "Vi moving around so much, having to
 sion of Love" and "Love Takes Time grow up by myself, basically on my
 have gone gold, and the album has sold own, my parents divorced. And I al
 EBONY March 1991
festivemomentspow:Mariah Carey, 1991

festivemomentspow:Mariah Carey, 1991

Animals, Ass, and Bad: Hey since I haven't been active in forever, who wants to hear a story about how 1 became a local cryptid in my town? Heck yeah! Yes Reply Alright lets do this So l live in a small neighborhood kinda thing, Its honestly shaped like someone connected two bongs with a straw that leads out to the street, so very tiny and not a lot of people drive through cause its a dead end and surrounded by woods Anyways, so it's Saturday morning, like 3 am and my sister has taken her behemoth of a dog outside Little background, this dog is a saint bermard, lab mix, so he big. Hes also amazingly stupid. He's only three and we got him a year ago so he still does stupid shit all the time. Anyways hes got a long lead line on him, probably 30 ft, so hes off doing whatever and ny sister is kinda dazed, still sleepy. Homeboy fucking TAKES OFF and runs into the woods behind y house, taking that lead with him and a good chunk of my sisters pal skin. Whatever he's chasing has speed, and hes keeping up with it. So l run outside cause shes screaming his name and start to take off after him. 1 thought that mother fucker would get caught on a tree due to the lead but nope was I wrong. Now the woods probably go a mile back before they hit road, and then stretch around s miles hotizontally I'm worried this dumb dog is gonna run into the street and get hit, so l run the mile to the street (with my very out of shape body. 1 honestly thought I was going to die). After like r5 minutes of tripping and trying to make my way through this damn jungle, I get to the street. At this point 1 still look a human so nothing happens, 1 dont see him anywhere, and 1 run back to the house cause I've realized I'm in a tank top and boxer shorts with no shoes and its tick season. So I change into a big ass sweatshirt and sweat pants and boots even though its almost oo degrees out because I do not want to have to deal with ticks After chugging some water 1 take back off, this time going horizontally 1 caught sight of something running so l took off, yelling ny brains out managing to sprain my ankle and rip half my hair outta my ponytail in the process Around a mile downl lose sight of it so l turn and hike the mile back to the street just to make sure it didn't go that way After that I go back to my house, and then return to the spot where i last saw him and continue walking till Imlike 2 miles away So my trip so far has been mile to street> mile home > i mile hotizontally>t mile to street >2 miles home> 2 ½ miles horizontally So I'm about ready to die. I'm covering in blood from smashing y arm one of my eyes has turned red cause a stick poked it, I've got a limp, I'm breathing like a dragon with asthma, and I'm covering in leaves and sticks I start yelling his name again and hear a bark in the distance so 1 take off and after like 5 minutes I spot him He is now howling like a banshee in distress I book it towards his dumb ass and practically tackle him, which ended up with me covered in a random assortment of shit. Cool, whatever. His leash is tied atound two trees so I unravel it and he pounces on me in relief. He's salivating like crazy so I take him to a stream near by to let him drink Mother fucker pulls me in. I'm too tired to be pissed. At this point now that I'm calming down I realize my boots are now soaking wet with both blood and water. I've got several scars on my thigh and they all got ripped open So Im gushing blood like no tomorrow.I soak my jacket in water and put it on this stupid dog so he wont get burnt on the way back and itll be a bit cooler. So now he looks even bigger then usual 1 take my shoes off and toss then over my neck and we're about to start the trek back when he takes off AGAIN. This time I'm holding the leash and 1 do not let go. He ends up slipping on a mud bank and taking me with him With are now covered head to toe in nad, shit, dirt, blood and whatever the hell else is in those woods. Some how he has ended up with no major wounds, but now I have a rock lodged in my forehead and blood in my eyes. And my shoes are gone. Whatever, 1 just want to get home. 1 pick a direction and walk until 1 end up in the back yard of someone who lives down the street. Lucky for me, this person has barbed wire in their back yard on the ground for some reason, which I trip on Now I have barbed wire practically wrapped around me like some crazy fashion statement. I wanted to get home so bad 1 didn't even bother to rip it off. I'd do that So now its like 6am, so its dark, but you can still see, and its dead quiet. I pull my sisters dog along with me, holding his collar so he cant take off again. So heres me, covered in blood, mud, and barbed wire, limping down the street, no shoes on, with a large dog wearing a jacket, which, from a distance, you cant tell. Now I smell like whatever was in those woods, and it is a strong smell, so as I walk by any house with a dog outside, that dog starts barking. Eventually the quiet is replaced with dogs howling, barking, snarling at me. 1 eventually make it back to my house, but not before passing a dude getting his newspaper or whatever He's a good distance away from me and he hesitantly calls out asking if Im okay. I respond with "yeah but I've been yelling for like 3 hours t as ungodly rasp. He goes right the fuck back in l get home, get cleaned up, get the dog cleaned up, and everythings fine UNTIL a couple nights later my mom goes to a neighborhood meeting story Turns out, there had been a black bear in the woods near my house, which people had been keeping an eye out for, but instead they saw (what they thought) was a "humanoid figure covered in spikes dragging a bear covered in blood around by its neck For the next few weeks people were talking about how they heard the "hortiie screeching" and how there was blood all down the streets and on the trees. The dude who asked if I was okay was telling everybody that the "thing growled at him and he could see it had blood red eyes So now theres a rumor about a demon with razor sharp tendrils who feeds on wild animals by slashing them open and drinking their blood Rumor states that you'll hear it before you see it, and the sound it makes sounds like a howl and a scream People later found my boots covered in blood and said it was a "victim of the demon. A week later a house that was being built caught fire and that was blamed on me, as well as an accident where someone swerved to avoid something and crashed through a house. The stream turned blood red after some heavy rainfall. which was due to the mud, but also blamed on me and some mote for a couple nights (coyotes most people "spotting" the demon (which was either their imagination or the actual bear) the rumot grew and grew so now its famous in my neighborhood So yeah thats how 1 became a bear killing demon in my neighborhood. I was too embarrassed. How to become a cryptid
Animals, Ass, and Bad: Hey since I haven't been active in forever, who wants to hear a story
 about how 1 became a local cryptid in my town?
 Heck yeah!
 Yes
 Reply
 Alright lets do this
 So l live in a small neighborhood kinda thing, Its honestly shaped like
 someone connected two bongs with a straw that leads out to the street,
 so very tiny and not a lot of people drive through cause its a dead end
 and surrounded by woods Anyways, so it's Saturday morning, like 3 am
 and my sister has taken her behemoth of a dog outside
 Little background, this dog is a saint bermard, lab mix, so he big. Hes
 also amazingly stupid. He's only three and we got him a year ago so he
 still does stupid shit all the time. Anyways hes got a long lead line on
 him, probably 30 ft, so hes off doing whatever and ny sister is kinda
 dazed, still sleepy.
 Homeboy fucking TAKES OFF and runs into the woods behind y
 house, taking that lead with him and a good chunk of my sisters pal
 skin. Whatever he's chasing has speed, and hes keeping up with it. So l
 run outside cause shes screaming his name and start to take off after
 him. 1 thought that mother fucker would get caught on a tree due to the
 lead but nope was I wrong. Now the woods probably go a mile back
 before they hit road, and then stretch around s miles hotizontally
 I'm worried this dumb dog is gonna run into the street and get hit, so l
 run the mile to the street (with my very out of shape body. 1 honestly
 thought I was going to die). After like r5 minutes of tripping and trying
 to make my way through this damn jungle, I get to the street. At this
 point 1 still look a human so nothing happens, 1 dont see him anywhere,
 and 1 run back to the house cause I've realized I'm in a tank top and
 boxer shorts with no shoes and its tick season. So I change into a big ass
 sweatshirt and sweat pants and boots even though its almost oo degrees
 out because I do not want to have to deal with ticks
 After chugging some water 1 take back off, this time going horizontally
 1 caught sight of something running so l took off, yelling ny brains out
 managing to sprain my ankle and rip half my hair outta my ponytail in
 the process Around a mile downl lose sight of it so l turn and hike the
 mile back to the street just to make sure it didn't go that way
 After that I go back to my house, and then return to the spot where i
 last saw him and continue walking till Imlike 2 miles away
 So my trip so far has been
 mile to street> mile home > i mile hotizontally>t mile to street >2
 miles home> 2 ½ miles horizontally
 So I'm about ready to die. I'm covering in blood from smashing y arm
 one of my eyes has turned red cause a stick poked it, I've got a limp, I'm
 breathing like a dragon with asthma, and I'm covering in leaves and
 sticks
 I start yelling his name again and hear a bark in the distance so 1 take off
 and after like 5 minutes I spot him He is now howling like a banshee in
 distress I book it towards his dumb ass and practically tackle him,
 which ended up with me covered in a random assortment of shit. Cool,
 whatever. His leash is tied atound two trees so I unravel it and he
 pounces on me in relief. He's salivating like crazy so I take him to a
 stream near by to let him drink
 Mother fucker pulls me in. I'm too tired to be pissed. At this point now
 that I'm calming down I realize my boots are now soaking wet with
 both blood and water. I've got several scars on my thigh and they all got
 ripped open So Im gushing blood like no tomorrow.I soak my jacket in
 water and put it on this stupid dog so he wont get burnt on the way
 back and itll be a bit cooler. So now he looks even bigger then usual 1
 take my shoes off and toss then over my neck and we're about to start
 the trek back when he takes off AGAIN. This time I'm holding the leash
 and 1 do not let go. He ends up slipping on a mud bank and taking me
 with him With are now covered head to toe in nad, shit, dirt, blood
 and whatever the hell else is in those woods.
 Some how he has ended up with no major wounds, but now I have a
 rock lodged in my forehead and blood in my eyes. And my shoes are
 gone. Whatever, 1 just want to get home. 1 pick a direction and walk
 until 1 end up in the back yard of someone who lives down the street.
 Lucky for me, this person has barbed wire in their back yard on the
 ground for some reason, which I trip on Now I have barbed wire
 practically wrapped around me like some crazy fashion statement. I
 wanted to get home so bad 1 didn't even bother to rip it off. I'd do that
 So now its like 6am, so its dark, but you can still see, and its dead quiet.
 I pull my sisters dog along with me, holding his collar so he cant take
 off again. So heres me, covered in blood, mud, and barbed wire, limping
 down the street, no shoes on, with a large dog wearing a jacket, which,
 from a distance, you cant tell. Now I smell like whatever was in those
 woods, and it is a strong smell, so as I walk by any house with a dog
 outside, that dog starts barking. Eventually the quiet is replaced with
 dogs howling, barking, snarling at me. 1 eventually make it back to my
 house, but not before passing a dude getting his newspaper or whatever
 He's a good distance away from me and he hesitantly calls out asking if
 Im okay. I respond with "yeah but I've been yelling for like 3 hours
 t as ungodly rasp. He goes right the fuck back in
 l get home, get cleaned up, get the dog cleaned up, and everythings fine
 UNTIL a couple nights later my mom goes to a neighborhood meeting
 story
 Turns out, there had been a black bear in the woods near my house,
 which people had been keeping an eye out for, but instead they saw
 (what they thought) was a "humanoid figure covered in spikes dragging
 a bear covered in blood around by its neck
 For the next few weeks people were talking about how they heard
 the "hortiie screeching" and how there was blood all down the streets
 and on the trees. The dude who asked if I was okay was telling
 everybody that the "thing growled at him and he could see it had blood
 red eyes
 So now theres a rumor about a demon with razor sharp tendrils who
 feeds on wild animals by slashing them open and drinking their blood
 Rumor states that you'll hear it before you see it, and the sound it makes
 sounds like a howl and a scream People later found my boots covered in
 blood and said it was a "victim of the demon. A week later a house that
 was being built caught fire and that was blamed on me, as well as an
 accident where someone swerved to avoid something and crashed
 through a house. The stream turned blood red after some heavy rainfall.
 which was due to the mud, but also blamed on me and some mote
 for a couple nights (coyotes most
 people "spotting" the demon (which was either their imagination or the
 actual bear) the rumot grew and grew so now its famous in my
 neighborhood
 So yeah thats how 1 became a bear killing demon in my neighborhood.
 I was too embarrassed.
How to become a cryptid

How to become a cryptid

Af, Black Lives Matter, and Curving: oo AT&T 12:48 85% Tweet In reply to SpotifyCares hank follows #BLACKLIVESMATTER @alterhate @SpotifyCares you're so cute lets get married 9/9/16, 07:08 75 RETWEETS 85 LIKES SpotifyCares @SpotifyCares @alternate Wow! We don't know what to say. We've put this together with our answer in it: spoti.fi/2cccKP5:) /T 1d 167 143 14h clcco fan account @jxrrys @alterhate @Spotify Cares @bobsburgersguy michael (: @bobsburgersguy @jxrrys @alterhate @SpotifyCares THANKS JERRY 14h Reply to #BLACKLIVESMATTER SpotifyCares 20+ Home Notifications Moments Messages AT&T 12:48 85% a open.spotify.com Spotify A proposal from @alterhate By @Spotify Cares Wow, we're flattered! We really are. We made you this playlist because you made us blush. 18 SONGS PLAY ON SPOTIFY 1. Wow 3:39 Beck Wovw AT&T 12:48 85% a open.spotify.conm 1. Wow 3:39 Beck Wow 2. Thank You 3:37 Dido . No Angel 3. 3:43 We Are Kari Jobe Where I Find You 4. Flattered 3:39 Franz Lucas Flattered 5. But 3:52 Chon. Grow 3:10 Rich Aucoin We're All Dying To Li... 3:48 Jim Bianco . Well Within Reason 8. Complicated 4:04 Avril Lavigne . Let Go 9 2:07 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day 10. We Are 3:43 AT&T 12:48 85% open.spotify.com 9 2:07 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day 10. We Are 3:43 Kari Jobe Where | Find You 11. Already 3:58 DMX Undisputed 12. Married To The Music SHINee. Married To The Music -... 3:34 13. But we 4:20 Did What I did Can't Fight This Feeling REO Speedwagon Wheels Are Tu.. 14. 4:54 15. So We 3:33 Dead End Amelia The Sound of A.. 16. Really Want To See You Again 4:04 Sneaky Sound System From Here 17. But 3:52 Chon. Grow Just As Friends Sam Chase Songs For Someone 18. 4:46 defenestration-committee: thecommonchick: OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂 This curve is next level I’m screaming.
Af, Black Lives Matter, and Curving: oo AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 Tweet
 In reply to SpotifyCares
 hank follows
 #BLACKLIVESMATTER
 @alterhate
 @SpotifyCares you're so cute lets get married
 9/9/16, 07:08
 75 RETWEETS 85 LIKES
 SpotifyCares @SpotifyCares
 @alternate Wow! We don't know what to say.
 We've put this together with our answer in it:
 spoti.fi/2cccKP5:) /T
 1d
 167
 143
 14h
 clcco fan account @jxrrys
 @alterhate @Spotify Cares @bobsburgersguy
 michael (: @bobsburgersguy
 @jxrrys @alterhate @SpotifyCares THANKS
 JERRY
 14h
 Reply to #BLACKLIVESMATTER SpotifyCares
 20+
 Home
 Notifications
 Moments
 Messages

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 a open.spotify.com
 Spotify
 A proposal from @alterhate
 By @Spotify Cares
 Wow, we're flattered! We really are. We made you this playlist
 because you made us blush.
 18 SONGS
 PLAY ON SPOTIFY
 1. Wow
 3:39
 Beck Wovw

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 a open.spotify.conm
 1. Wow
 3:39
 Beck Wow
 2. Thank You
 3:37
 Dido . No Angel
 3.
 3:43
 We Are
 Kari Jobe
 Where I Find You
 4. Flattered
 3:39
 Franz Lucas Flattered
 5. But
 3:52
 Chon. Grow
 3:10
 Rich Aucoin We're All Dying To Li...
 3:48
 Jim Bianco . Well Within Reason
 8. Complicated
 4:04
 Avril Lavigne . Let Go
 9
 2:07
 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day
 10. We Are
 3:43

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 open.spotify.com
 9
 2:07
 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day
 10. We Are
 3:43
 Kari Jobe Where | Find You
 11. Already
 3:58
 DMX Undisputed
 12.
 Married To The Music
 SHINee. Married To The Music -...
 3:34
 13. But we
 4:20
 Did What I did
 Can't Fight This Feeling
 REO Speedwagon Wheels Are Tu..
 14.
 4:54
 15. So We
 3:33
 Dead End Amelia The Sound of A..
 16. Really Want To See You Again 4:04
 Sneaky Sound System From Here
 17. But
 3:52
 Chon. Grow
 Just As Friends
 Sam Chase Songs For Someone
 18.
 4:46
defenestration-committee:

thecommonchick:

OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂

This curve is next level I’m screaming.

defenestration-committee: thecommonchick: OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂 This curve is next level I’m screaming.

Af, Black Lives Matter, and Curving: oo AT&T 12:48 85% Tweet In reply to SpotifyCares hank follows #BLACKLIVESMATTER @alterhate @SpotifyCares you're so cute lets get married 9/9/16, 07:08 75 RETWEETS 85 LIKES SpotifyCares @SpotifyCares @alternate Wow! We don't know what to say. We've put this together with our answer in it: spoti.fi/2cccKP5:) /T 1d 167 143 14h clcco fan account @jxrrys @alterhate @Spotify Cares @bobsburgersguy michael (: @bobsburgersguy @jxrrys @alterhate @SpotifyCares THANKS JERRY 14h Reply to #BLACKLIVESMATTER SpotifyCares 20+ Home Notifications Moments Messages AT&T 12:48 85% a open.spotify.com Spotify A proposal from @alterhate By @Spotify Cares Wow, we're flattered! We really are. We made you this playlist because you made us blush. 18 SONGS PLAY ON SPOTIFY 1. Wow 3:39 Beck Wovw AT&T 12:48 85% a open.spotify.conm 1. Wow 3:39 Beck Wow 2. Thank You 3:37 Dido . No Angel 3. 3:43 We Are Kari Jobe Where I Find You 4. Flattered 3:39 Franz Lucas Flattered 5. But 3:52 Chon. Grow 3:10 Rich Aucoin We're All Dying To Li... 3:48 Jim Bianco . Well Within Reason 8. Complicated 4:04 Avril Lavigne . Let Go 9 2:07 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day 10. We Are 3:43 AT&T 12:48 85% open.spotify.com 9 2:07 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day 10. We Are 3:43 Kari Jobe Where | Find You 11. Already 3:58 DMX Undisputed 12. Married To The Music SHINee. Married To The Music -... 3:34 13. But we 4:20 Did What I did Can't Fight This Feeling REO Speedwagon Wheels Are Tu.. 14. 4:54 15. So We 3:33 Dead End Amelia The Sound of A.. 16. Really Want To See You Again 4:04 Sneaky Sound System From Here 17. But 3:52 Chon. Grow Just As Friends Sam Chase Songs For Someone 18. 4:46 defenestration-committee: thecommonchick: OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂 This curve is next level I’m screaming.
Af, Black Lives Matter, and Curving: oo AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 Tweet
 In reply to SpotifyCares
 hank follows
 #BLACKLIVESMATTER
 @alterhate
 @SpotifyCares you're so cute lets get married
 9/9/16, 07:08
 75 RETWEETS 85 LIKES
 SpotifyCares @SpotifyCares
 @alternate Wow! We don't know what to say.
 We've put this together with our answer in it:
 spoti.fi/2cccKP5:) /T
 1d
 167
 143
 14h
 clcco fan account @jxrrys
 @alterhate @Spotify Cares @bobsburgersguy
 michael (: @bobsburgersguy
 @jxrrys @alterhate @SpotifyCares THANKS
 JERRY
 14h
 Reply to #BLACKLIVESMATTER SpotifyCares
 20+
 Home
 Notifications
 Moments
 Messages

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 a open.spotify.com
 Spotify
 A proposal from @alterhate
 By @Spotify Cares
 Wow, we're flattered! We really are. We made you this playlist
 because you made us blush.
 18 SONGS
 PLAY ON SPOTIFY
 1. Wow
 3:39
 Beck Wovw

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 a open.spotify.conm
 1. Wow
 3:39
 Beck Wow
 2. Thank You
 3:37
 Dido . No Angel
 3.
 3:43
 We Are
 Kari Jobe
 Where I Find You
 4. Flattered
 3:39
 Franz Lucas Flattered
 5. But
 3:52
 Chon. Grow
 3:10
 Rich Aucoin We're All Dying To Li...
 3:48
 Jim Bianco . Well Within Reason
 8. Complicated
 4:04
 Avril Lavigne . Let Go
 9
 2:07
 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day
 10. We Are
 3:43

 AT&T
 12:48
 85%
 open.spotify.com
 9
 2:07
 The Fresh Beat Band Great Day
 10. We Are
 3:43
 Kari Jobe Where | Find You
 11. Already
 3:58
 DMX Undisputed
 12.
 Married To The Music
 SHINee. Married To The Music -...
 3:34
 13. But we
 4:20
 Did What I did
 Can't Fight This Feeling
 REO Speedwagon Wheels Are Tu..
 14.
 4:54
 15. So We
 3:33
 Dead End Amelia The Sound of A..
 16. Really Want To See You Again 4:04
 Sneaky Sound System From Here
 17. But
 3:52
 Chon. Grow
 Just As Friends
 Sam Chase Songs For Someone
 18.
 4:46
defenestration-committee:

thecommonchick:

OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂

This curve is next level I’m screaming.

defenestration-committee: thecommonchick: OMG SPOTIFY IS CLEVER AF 😂 This curve is next level I’m screaming.