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Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it again "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and.. She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With Me. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the... I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." I promise to him As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "l'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed funny.C awesomacious: A greatly written story
Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s
 You're in charge of assigning every child
 on Earth the monster under their bed
 One child in particular has caused every
 monster assigned to him/her to quit. You
 decide to assign yourself.
 kittenwiskers
 Case: #273402
 Status: Disastrous
 I stare at the file and realize I have no
 options, over the last 2 years every
 monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has
 quit, every last one. Her first monster; a
 giant goldfish-faced humanoid named
 Bubba, had been with her for four years
 and then she wasn't scared of him
 anymore. After that it was a string of
 different common, uncommon, and rare
 monsters... I even assigned a sentient
 sock monster to her. He came back
 crying
 I look on my tablet, only one assignable
 monster left; myself. Field work has never
 been my cup of tea, but desperate times
 call for desperate measures. So at 8:03
 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte
 and her little brother Daniel; I slither into
 the space beneath Charlotte's bed
 Across the room underneath Daniel's crib
 is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind
 of monster.
 I turn my attention to the bed above me,
 Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach
 up over the bed and run an ice cold
 finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it
 again
 "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She
 whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can
 see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door
 somewhere in the house slams and there
 is an audible hitch of breath from above
 me. A few minutes go by I can hear
 Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There
 are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and
 loud panting breaths, Charlotte
 scrambles off the bed and..
 She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With
 Me.
 "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I
 The door to the bedroom slams open and
 I smell the stench of human intoxicants
 before the man even steps inside.
 I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of
 my monsters; she's afraid of her own.
 Francis reaches a hand under the bed
 and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to
 pull, I slither out.
 "What the... I cut Francis's next words
 off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height.
 Looming over the drunken man I caress
 my cold fingers down his face.
 "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my
 child again, I will find you, and I will do
 the same to you, for all eternity." I
 promise to him
 As Francis runs from the room he soils
 himself.
 I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck
 her back under her covers and kiss her
 forehead goodnight. "l'll be back
 tomorrow night, sleep well darling."
 Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the
 monster under her bed
 funny.C
awesomacious:

A greatly written story

awesomacious: A greatly written story

Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it again "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and.. She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With Me. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the... I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." I promise to him As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "l'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed funny.C awesomacious: A greatly written story
Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s
 You're in charge of assigning every child
 on Earth the monster under their bed
 One child in particular has caused every
 monster assigned to him/her to quit. You
 decide to assign yourself.
 kittenwiskers
 Case: #273402
 Status: Disastrous
 I stare at the file and realize I have no
 options, over the last 2 years every
 monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has
 quit, every last one. Her first monster; a
 giant goldfish-faced humanoid named
 Bubba, had been with her for four years
 and then she wasn't scared of him
 anymore. After that it was a string of
 different common, uncommon, and rare
 monsters... I even assigned a sentient
 sock monster to her. He came back
 crying
 I look on my tablet, only one assignable
 monster left; myself. Field work has never
 been my cup of tea, but desperate times
 call for desperate measures. So at 8:03
 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte
 and her little brother Daniel; I slither into
 the space beneath Charlotte's bed
 Across the room underneath Daniel's crib
 is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind
 of monster.
 I turn my attention to the bed above me,
 Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach
 up over the bed and run an ice cold
 finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it
 again
 "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She
 whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can
 see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door
 somewhere in the house slams and there
 is an audible hitch of breath from above
 me. A few minutes go by I can hear
 Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There
 are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and
 loud panting breaths, Charlotte
 scrambles off the bed and..
 She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With
 Me.
 "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I
 The door to the bedroom slams open and
 I smell the stench of human intoxicants
 before the man even steps inside.
 I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of
 my monsters; she's afraid of her own.
 Francis reaches a hand under the bed
 and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to
 pull, I slither out.
 "What the... I cut Francis's next words
 off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height.
 Looming over the drunken man I caress
 my cold fingers down his face.
 "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my
 child again, I will find you, and I will do
 the same to you, for all eternity." I
 promise to him
 As Francis runs from the room he soils
 himself.
 I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck
 her back under her covers and kiss her
 forehead goodnight. "l'll be back
 tomorrow night, sleep well darling."
 Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the
 monster under her bed
 funny.C
awesomacious:

A greatly written story

awesomacious: A greatly written story

Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it again "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and.. She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With Me. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the... I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." I promise to him As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "l'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed funny.C A greatly written story
Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s
 You're in charge of assigning every child
 on Earth the monster under their bed
 One child in particular has caused every
 monster assigned to him/her to quit. You
 decide to assign yourself.
 kittenwiskers
 Case: #273402
 Status: Disastrous
 I stare at the file and realize I have no
 options, over the last 2 years every
 monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has
 quit, every last one. Her first monster; a
 giant goldfish-faced humanoid named
 Bubba, had been with her for four years
 and then she wasn't scared of him
 anymore. After that it was a string of
 different common, uncommon, and rare
 monsters... I even assigned a sentient
 sock monster to her. He came back
 crying
 I look on my tablet, only one assignable
 monster left; myself. Field work has never
 been my cup of tea, but desperate times
 call for desperate measures. So at 8:03
 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte
 and her little brother Daniel; I slither into
 the space beneath Charlotte's bed
 Across the room underneath Daniel's crib
 is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind
 of monster.
 I turn my attention to the bed above me,
 Charlotte is still awake but barely, reach
 up over the bed and run an ice cold
 finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it
 again
 "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She
 whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can
 see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door
 somewhere in the house slams and there
 is an audible hitch of breath from above
 me. A few minutes go by I can hear
 Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There
 are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and
 loud panting breaths, Charlotte
 scrambles off the bed and..
 She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With
 Me.
 "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I
 The door to the bedroom slams open and
 I smell the stench of human intoxicants
 before the man even steps inside.
 I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of
 my monsters; she's afraid of her own.
 Francis reaches a hand under the bed
 and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to
 pull, I slither out.
 "What the... I cut Francis's next words
 off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height.
 Looming over the drunken man I caress
 my cold fingers down his face.
 "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my
 child again, I will find you, and I will do
 the same to you, for all eternity." I
 promise to him
 As Francis runs from the room he soils
 himself.
 I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck
 her back under her covers and kiss her
 forehead goodnight. "l'll be back
 tomorrow night, sleep well darling."
 Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the
 monster under her bed
 funny.C
A greatly written story

A greatly written story

Adam Sandler, Alive, and Animals: Johnny Boy 'limbo', Marston Arthur More Organ Holland Hoseas Before Broseas swagalicious crunchy outside, self-deprecating chewy center - "how many licks does it take the squad's favorite disaster scrappy damsel squares up at a moment's notice can never seem to get their shit together to get to the center of my depression" goth jock dropout just wants to settle down - - dumbest smart person alive - denies being moe - "wanna know how I got these scars- wait where are you going" - makes 50+ post twitter threads nobody reads just needs a break - "Actually, correlation is not causation" - thinks they're charming, is actually charming - constantly forgets their age - "back in my day - only one who knows what the fuck they're talking about incredible artist, thinks their stuff is 'okay' still needs to shut the fuck up - one shot, one kill - "once I go viral it's over for you hoes" - has a 'Home Is Where The Heart Is' welcome mat-liked by practically everybody - productive procrastinator can never hold down a relationship - Instant Uncle, Just Add Baby suffers from chronic pushover syndrome "no questions, dammit, no questions" - jokes hit too close to home - Good bad influence - weed friend Make It Work Guy Fieri Will Billiamson Bad Santa -always knows what to play at a party - adopts everyone on sight - great with kids, great with animals, wants to hold your baby - scientific evidence good girls want bad boys - tsundere - burns salads - "have you eaten today" - owns etsy account, too busy to make anything - punches self for fun - professional alcoholic - always needs to borrow money - terrible drunk, never remembers what happened that night walks around the house in their underwear gives great hugs needs seven showers group's unexpected therapist patronus is secondhand embarrassment just wants to be part of the family "MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S!"* is the party cultured, well-traveled and stylish; made for Instagram - *gestures to all of you* "we need to do something about this" - always starts drama, yet always seems to avoid it bad taste in literally everything, banned from recommending outings - will always have squad's back iron constitution, never gets sick - "say that to my fucking face" - may seem Mad, is actually Sad petty *pulls up in drive-thru, orders single starts the day with horoscope readings - Chaotic Loyal black coffee, leaves t" FUCKS.EXE STOPPED WORKING 'mSorry Ms. Jackson tOh) Bastard Millennial Green Hat McGuy "join team chat" - fashionable at all times, even when going to the grocery store can't do crime if you ain't cute -only dates fictional men won't leave the house for days need lives on cow tales and TVTropes says they can hold their liquor regularly tells squad to hydrate can't actually hold their liquor too nice for own good living boke and tsukkomi routine to shut up yesterday social interaction, naps for ten years it's basic hygiene and laying beneath the stars -"please stop talking" exhausted after two minutes of maybe they're born with it, maybe soft spot for animals, slow dancing cooler than you . living proof the scariest people frat brotryhard nerd gem fusion come in the nicest packages graceful loser, even more graceful winner - "what day is it again" nobody sees clapbacks coming until it's never learned how to drive every day is roast session day - "I'll roast you, I'll roast them, I'll roast me fuckin' self" - Has never completed No Nut November sings in the shower - adores Linkin Park late - "are you ready yet" "almost" - allergic to idiots Adam Sandler Regina O'George Let Me Speak To Your Manager - retired mom friend, back from retirement ages every time someone references a vine instead of responding normally - smokes sixty packs a day Goof Troop social norms are for dweebs just wants to play videogames - No Drama? No ProblemTM -"Local Mean Girl Refuses To Be Toppled From Throne" - loses shit over small things -THIS close to cutting someone and snack in peace shoves people in lockers to show affection forgets not to swear in front of other never forgets a birthday shaped like a friend only one in squad who can cook only one in squad who can drive people's children the queen of throwing down "fuck, sorry about that" given up on romance savwy businessowner resident gossip big problems are Whatever - needs therapy - Favorite Songs Are 'Find Me Somebody- smells amazing To Love' And 'Before He Cheats' common sense frequently left on read - hasn't seen most popular movies - a matryoshka of pain - wishes you didn't look like a dump truck knows Wicked by heart - only one in squad who does taxes Songs Are unforgiveable weeb - villain origin story is that stubborn chin hair that keeps growing back - always says 'gg' after every game incredible skin care regimen - "just drink more water" award winning sailor mouth - Big Hair, Don't Care "What's My Age Again" by Blink 182 World's Saddest Violin Bullshit Magician Expletive Noises Looks like a million dollars, is probably worth a million dollars - family person, loves everybody keeps Twitter on private - meows back at their cat - extroverted introvert -feels guilty for not logging into Animal Crossing for nine months thinks existence is kind of funny invented the word 'dapper - the living embodiment of when you try your best but you don't succeed' - just wants to be loved and cherished -great with animals, never scratched the life of the party, when they're not launching into drunken diatribes -smartest smart person alive -stays up until three in the morning thinking about the meaning of life - an essential addition to any squad - reads at 10,000 miles per hour wants to stab Banksy hates stan culture hoards comfort food beneath their desk gets sentimental over their Neopets used to hoard Beanie Babies - hates answering the phone - silently lurks in Twitch chatrooms - needs more friends - stylish drunk with two hollow legs - never fails to speak their mind great at impressions -not-so-secretly depressed - regularly confuses main for private "just forget I said that haha" preserves their right hook for justice - stared into the void, got bored quotes movies when provoked - "That's just, like, your opinion, man." the most perfect teeth Baby Boy...Baby Talk Shit, Get Hit Mr. Krabs A Dog - soft outside, softer inside - never ashamed to cry - weak spot for pups, needs to pet every dog they see -only one of the squad that's been punched squad's resident cheapskate needs to seriously reconsider things trolling game out of control A dog - never seems to accumulate debt, also never tips the waiter took college prep in high school - can't fight to save their life - surprisingly terrifying comebacks - multilingual gg ez clap" oves Bon Iver, Death Grips and Beyonce equally - Kappa Kappa KappaRoss CoolStoryBob workplace's local kissass likes to give gifts to sad friends living embodiment of a flower crown talks during movies home life is a mess - needs a vacation, too self-conscious - doesn't flush toilets in public bathrooms to take one - adopted by everybody - "Oh, I won't report you...yet" believes they were born in the wrong era - has never yelled once - in love with the smell of old books - wishes on stars when no one's looking leaves breadcrumbs in butter a well-rounded tool - nobody knows why they keep getting invited"Poverty is a state of mind." champagnesuperhoeva: red dead redemption 2 tag yourself masterpost now all in one spot for your convenient bullshit needs tag your chronic pain, tag your panic attacks, tag your existential crisis  I am all of these yet none of them at the same time
Adam Sandler, Alive, and Animals: Johnny Boy 'limbo', Marston
 Arthur More Organ
 Holland
 Hoseas Before Broseas
 swagalicious crunchy outside,
 self-deprecating chewy center
 - "how many licks does it take
 the squad's favorite disaster
 scrappy damsel
 squares up at a moment's notice
 can never seem to get their shit together to get to the center of my depression"
 goth jock dropout just wants to settle down -
 - dumbest smart person alive
 - denies being moe
 - "wanna know how I got these scars-
 wait where are you going"
 - makes 50+ post twitter threads nobody reads just needs a break
 - "Actually, correlation is not causation"
 - thinks they're charming, is actually charming
 - constantly forgets their age
 - "back in my day
 - only one who knows what
 the fuck they're talking about
 incredible artist, thinks their stuff is 'okay' still needs to shut the fuck up
 - one shot, one kill
 - "once I go viral it's over for you hoes"
 - has a 'Home Is Where The Heart Is' welcome mat-liked by practically everybody
 - productive procrastinator
 can never hold down a relationship
 - Instant Uncle, Just Add Baby
 suffers from chronic pushover syndrome "no questions, dammit, no questions"
 - jokes hit too close to home
 - Good bad influence
 - weed friend
 Make It Work
 Guy Fieri
 Will Billiamson
 Bad Santa
 -always knows what to play at a party
 - adopts everyone on sight
 - great with kids, great with animals,
 wants to hold your baby
 - scientific evidence good girls
 want bad boys
 - tsundere
 - burns salads
 - "have you eaten today"
 - owns etsy account, too busy to make anything - punches self for fun
 - professional alcoholic
 - always needs to borrow money
 - terrible drunk, never remembers
 what happened that night
 walks around the house in their underwear
 gives great hugs
 needs seven showers
 group's unexpected therapist
 patronus is secondhand embarrassment
 just wants to be part of the family
 "MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S!"*
 is the party
 cultured, well-traveled and stylish;
 made for Instagram
 - *gestures to all of you* "we need
 to do something about this"
 - always starts drama, yet always
 seems to avoid it
 bad taste in literally everything,
 banned from recommending outings
 - will always have squad's back
 iron constitution, never gets sick
 - "say that to my fucking face"
 - may seem Mad, is actually Sad
 petty
 *pulls up in drive-thru, orders single
 starts the day with horoscope readings
 - Chaotic Loyal
 black coffee, leaves

 t"
 FUCKS.EXE STOPPED WORKING 'mSorry Ms. Jackson tOh)
 Bastard Millennial
 Green Hat McGuy
 "join team chat"
 - fashionable at all times, even when
 going to the grocery store
 can't do crime if you ain't cute
 -only dates fictional men
 won't leave the house for days need
 lives on cow tales and TVTropes says they can hold their liquor
 regularly tells squad to hydrate can't actually hold their liquor
 too nice for own good
 living boke and tsukkomi routine
 to shut up yesterday
 social interaction, naps for ten years
 it's basic hygiene
 and laying beneath the stars
 -"please stop talking"
 exhausted after two minutes of
 maybe they're born with it, maybe
 soft spot for animals, slow dancing
 cooler than you
 . living proof the scariest people
 frat brotryhard nerd gem fusion
 come in the nicest packages
 graceful loser, even more graceful winner - "what day is it again"
 nobody sees clapbacks coming until it's never learned how to drive
 every day is roast session day
 - "I'll roast you, I'll roast them,
 I'll roast me fuckin' self"
 - Has never completed No Nut November
 sings in the shower
 - adores Linkin Park
 late
 - "are you ready yet" "almost"
 - allergic to idiots
 Adam Sandler
 Regina O'George
 Let Me Speak To Your Manager
 - retired mom friend, back from retirement
 ages every time someone references
 a vine instead of responding normally
 - smokes sixty packs a day
 Goof Troop
 social norms are for dweebs
 just wants to play videogames
 - No Drama? No ProblemTM
 -"Local Mean Girl Refuses To
 Be Toppled From Throne"
 - loses shit over small things
 -THIS close to cutting someone
 and snack in peace
 shoves people in lockers to show affection
 forgets not to swear in front of other
 never forgets a birthday
 shaped like a friend
 only one in squad who can cook
 only one in squad who can drive
 people's children
 the queen of throwing down
 "fuck, sorry about that"
 given up on romance
 savwy businessowner
 resident gossip
 big problems are Whatever
 - needs therapy
 - Favorite Songs Are 'Find Me Somebody- smells amazing
 To Love' And 'Before He Cheats'
 common sense frequently left on read - hasn't seen most popular movies
 - a matryoshka of pain
 - wishes you didn't look like a dump truck
 knows Wicked by heart
 - only one in squad who does taxes
 Songs Are
 unforgiveable weeb
 - villain origin story is that stubborn
 chin hair that keeps growing back
 - always says 'gg' after every game
 incredible skin care regimen
 - "just drink more water"
 award winning sailor mouth
 - Big Hair, Don't Care

 "What's My Age Again" by Blink 182
 World's Saddest Violin
 Bullshit Magician
 Expletive Noises
 Looks like a million dollars, is probably
 worth a million dollars
 - family person, loves everybody
 keeps Twitter on private
 - meows back at their cat
 - extroverted introvert
 -feels guilty for not logging into
 Animal Crossing for nine months
 thinks existence is kind of funny
 invented the word 'dapper
 - the living embodiment of when
 you try your best but you don't succeed'
 - just wants to be loved and cherished
 -great with animals, never scratched
 the life of the party, when they're
 not launching into drunken diatribes
 -smartest smart person alive
 -stays up until three in the morning
 thinking about the meaning of life
 - an essential addition to any squad
 - reads at 10,000 miles per hour
 wants to stab Banksy
 hates stan culture
 hoards comfort food beneath their desk
 gets sentimental over their Neopets
 used to hoard Beanie Babies
 - hates answering the phone
 - silently lurks in Twitch chatrooms
 - needs more friends
 - stylish drunk with two hollow legs
 - never fails to speak their mind
 great at impressions
 -not-so-secretly depressed
 - regularly confuses main for private
 "just forget I said that haha"
 preserves their right hook for justice
 - stared into the void, got bored
 quotes movies when provoked
 - "That's just, like, your opinion, man."
 the most perfect teeth
 Baby Boy...Baby
 Talk Shit, Get Hit
 Mr. Krabs
 A Dog
 - soft outside, softer inside
 - never ashamed to cry
 - weak spot for pups, needs
 to pet every dog they see
 -only one of the squad that's been punched squad's resident cheapskate
 needs to seriously reconsider things
 trolling game out of control
 A dog
 - never seems to accumulate debt,
 also never tips the waiter
 took college prep in high school
 - can't fight to save their life
 - surprisingly terrifying comebacks
 - multilingual
 gg ez clap"
 oves Bon Iver, Death Grips
 and Beyonce equally
 - Kappa Kappa KappaRoss CoolStoryBob
 workplace's local kissass
 likes to give gifts to sad friends
 living embodiment of a flower crown talks during movies
 home life is a mess
 - needs a vacation, too self-conscious - doesn't flush toilets in public bathrooms
 to take one
 - adopted by everybody
 - "Oh, I won't report you...yet"
 believes they were born in the wrong era
 - has never yelled once
 - in love with the smell of old books
 - wishes on stars when no one's looking
 leaves breadcrumbs in butter
 a well-rounded tool
 - nobody knows why they keep getting invited"Poverty is a state of mind."
champagnesuperhoeva:
red dead redemption 2 tag yourself masterpost now all in one spot for your convenient bullshit needs
tag your chronic pain, tag your panic attacks, tag your existential crisis 


I am all of these yet none of them at the same time

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Drunken, Mad, and Shot: Leaked shot from Mad Vlad: Drunken road in the making (2018)
Drunken, Mad, and Shot: Leaked shot from Mad Vlad: Drunken road in the making (2018)

Leaked shot from Mad Vlad: Drunken road in the making (2018)

Anaconda, Anna, and Children: Swedish Christmas Goat Burned Down for 27th Time a EXPAND just-a-sideblog: thefingerfuckingfemalefury: naniyou: naniyou: forthegothicheroine: sylvysparrow: cindehella: lord-kitschener: arealliveghost: stillvisions: maybenotboring: and at no point has anyone thought “maybe we should not build a giant flammable goat this year” They tried fireproofing. And armed guards. And fences, and cameras… Sadly the wikipedia page has been cut down by super srs folks to remove all the awesome Keystone cops tales of the goat’s history (emphasis added by me) 1966 Stig Gavlén came up with the idea of a giant goat made out of straw. But it turned out that Gavlén organisation did not have enough funding for the goat. Then Harry Ström, who at that time was the chairman of the Södra Kungsgatan Ideella Förening (a non-profit society), decided to pay the whole cost for the goat out of his own pocket. The goat stood until midnight of New Year’s Eve, when it went up in flames. The perpetrator, who was from Hofors,Gästrikland, was found and convicted of vandalism. The first goat was insured and Ström got all his money back. 1967 Nothing happened. 1968 The goat survived. A fence was built around the goat. Previously it was popular for children to play hide-and-seek inside and around the goat. There was also a rumor that one night a couple had sex inside the goat. In subsequent years the inside of the goat was protected by a chicken-wire net. 1969 The goat was burnt down on New Year’s Eve. 1970 The goat was burnt down only six hours after it was assembled. Two very drunk teenagers were connected with the crime. With help from several financial contributors the goat was reassembled out of lake reed. 1971 The Southern Merchants got tired of their goats being burned and stopped building the goat. The Natural Science Club (Naturvetenskapliga Föreningen:NF) from the School of Vasa (Vasaskolan) took over.  1972 The goat collapsed because of sabotage. 1973 N/A 1974 Burnt. 1975 N/A 1976 Hit by a car. 1977 N/A 1978 Again, the goat was kicked to pieces. 1979 The goat was burnt even before it was erected. A new one was built and fireproofed. It was destroyed and broken into pieces. 1980 Burnt down on Christmas Eve. 1981 Nothing happened. 1982 Burnt down on Lucia (13 December). 1983 The legs were destroyed. 1984 Burnt down on 12 December, the night before Lucia. 1985 The 12.5 metre (41 ft) tall goat of the Natural Science Club was featured in the Guinness Book of Records for the first time. Even though the goat was enclosed by a 2 metres (6.6 ft) high metal fence, guarded by Securitas and even soldiers from the Gävle I 14 Infantry Regiment, it was burnt down in January. 1986 The merchants of Gävle decided they were willing to build the goat once again. From 1986 on two goats were built, the Southern Merchants’ and the School of Vasa’s. The big goat burnt down the night before Christmas Eve. 1987 A heavily fireproofed goat was built. It got burnt down a week before Christmas.[21] 1988 Nothing happened to the goat, but gamblers were for the first time able to gamble on the fate of the goat with English bookmakers. 1989 Again, the goat burnt down before it was assembled. Financial contributions from the public were raised to rebuild a goat that was burnt down in January. In March 1990 another goat was built, this time for the shooting of a Swedish motion picture called Black Jack. 1990 Nothing happened. The goat was guarded by many volunteers. 1991 The goat was joined by an advertising sled, that turned out to be illegally built. On the morning of Christmas Eve the goat was burnt down. It was later rebuilt to be taken to Stockholm as a part of a protest campaign against the closing of the I 14 Infantry Regiment. 1992 The goat was burnt down eight days after it was built. The Natural Science Club’s goat burnt down the same night. The Southern Merchants’ goat was rebuilt, but burned down on 20 December. The perpetrator of the three attacks was caught and sent to jail. The Goat Committee was founded in 1992. 1993 Once more the goat was featured in the Guinness Book of Records, the School of Vasa’s goat measured 14.9 metres (49 ft). The goat was guarded by taxis and the Swedish Home Guard. Nothing happened. 1994 Nothing happened. The goat followed the Swedish national hockey team to Italy for the World Championship in hockey. 1995 A Norwegian was arrested for attempting to burn down the goat. Burnt down on the morning of Christmas Day. Rebuilt to be standing before the 550th anniversary of Gävle county. 1996 The first time the goat was guarded by webcams, nothing happened. 1997 Damaged by fireworks. The Natural Science Club’s goat was attacked too, but survived with minor damage. 1998 Burnt down on 11 December, even though there was a major blizzard. Was rebuilt. 1999 Burnt down only a couple of hours after it was erected. Rebuilt again before Lucia. The Natural Science Club’s goat was burnt down as well. 2000 Burnt down a couple of days before New Year’s Eve. The Natural Science Club’s goat got tossed in the Gävle river. 2001 Goat set on fire on 23 December by Lawrence Jones, a 51-year-old visitor from Cleveland, Ohio, who spent 18 days in jail and was subsequently convicted and ordered to pay 100,000 Swedish kronor in damages. The court confiscated Jones’s cigarette lighter with the argument that he clearly was not able to handle it. Jones stated in court that he was no “goat burner”, and believed that he was taking part in a completely legal goat-burning tradition. After Jones was released from jail he went straight back to the US without paying his fine. As of 2006 it was still unpaid. The Natural Science Club’s goat was also burnt down. 2002 A 22 year old from Stockholm tried to set the Southern Merchants’ goat on fire, but failed, the goat receiving only minor damage. On Lucia the goat was guarded by Swedish radio and TV personality Gert Fylking. 2003 Burnt down on 12 December. 2004 Burnt 21 December, only three days before Christmas Eve. The fire brigade quickly arrived on the scene, but the goat could not be saved. No new goat was built. 2005 Burnt by unknown vandals reportedly dressed as Santa and the gingerbread man, by shooting a flaming arrow at the goat at 21:00 on 3 December. Reconstructed on 5 December. The hunt for the arsonist responsible for the goat-burning in 2005 was featured on the weekly Swedish live broadcast TV3’s “Most Wanted“ (”Efterlyst”) on 8 December. 2006 On the night of 15 December at 03:00, someone tried to set fire to the goat by dousing the right front leg in petrol (gasoline). The red ribbon on that leg was slightly burned and fell off. The lower part of the right leg was scorched, but the rest of the goat failed to light. The leg was repaired that morning. The Natural Science Club’s goat was burned at about 00:40 on 20 December; the vandals were not seen and got away. On the night of 25 December, a drunken man managed to climb up on the goat. Before the police arrived on the scene the man climbed down and disappeared. He did not try to set fire to the goat. The Southern Merchants’ goat survived New Year’s Eve and was taken down on 2 January. It is now stored in a secret location. 2007 The Natural Science Club’s goat was toppled on 13 December and was burned on the night of 24 December. The Southern Merchants’ goat survived. 2008 10,000 people turned out for the inauguration of one of the goats. No back-up goat was built to replace the main goat should the worst happen, nor was the goat treated with flame repellent (Anna Östman, spokesperson of the Goat-committee said the repellent made it look ugly in the previous years, like a brown terrier). On 16 December the Natural Science Club’s Goat was vandalised and later removed. On 26 December there was an attempt to burn down the Southern Merchants’ Goat but patriotic passers-by managed to extinguish the fire. The following day the goat finally succumbed to the flames ignited by an unknown assailant at 03:50 CET. 2009 A person attempted to set the Southern Merchants’ goat on fire the night of 7 December. An unsuccessful attempt was made to throw the Natural Science Club’s goat into the river the weekend of 11 December. The culprit then tried, again without success, to set the goat on fire. Someone stole the Natural Science Club’s goat utilizing a truck the night of 14 December.[36] On the night of 23 December before 04:00 the South Merchant goat was set on fire and was burned to the frame, even though it had a thick layer of snow on its back.[37] The goat had two online webcams which were put out of service by aDoS attack, instigated by computer hackers just before the burning.[38] 2010 On the night of 2 December, arsonists made an unsuccessful attempt to burn the Natural Science Club’s goat.[39] On 17 December, a Swedish news site reported that one of the guards tasked with protecting the Southern Merchants’ goat had been offered payment to leave his post so that the goat could be stolen via helicopter and transported to Stockholm. Both goats survived and were dismantled and returned to storage in early January 2011. 2011 The inauguration of the goat took place on 27 November. The fire-fighters of Gävle sprayed the goat with water to create a coating of ice in the hope of protecting it from arson. The goat was burnt down in the early morning of 2 December. 2012 The inauguration of the goat took place on 2 December. It was burnt just ten days later in the hours before midnight of 12 December, one day before Lucia. 2013 As in 2006 and 2007, the straw used to build the goat has been soaked in anti-flammable liquid to prevent it from burning in the event of an arson attack. The inauguration ceremony took place on 1 December. But despite the anti-flammable liquids the goat was burnt down on the early morning of December 21. Any history of plots involving a DDoS attack on the security cameras, a plot to steal it with a helicopter and flaming arrows shot by people dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread man is just plain hilarious in my book. I’m laughing so much about this goat. obviously if you build something big enough people are going to have sex in it and burn it down. obviously what the fuck is going on in sweden how will the saga continue this year fascinating The saga of the goat is the best part of the season. For those curious about 2015′s goat: It’s that time of year again 2016: Burned within hours of being built 2017: Survived 2018: Nothing yet… WILL THE GOAT LIVE THIS YEAR Best tumblr meme
Anaconda, Anna, and Children: Swedish Christmas Goat Burned Down for
 27th Time
 a EXPAND
just-a-sideblog:
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

naniyou:

naniyou:

forthegothicheroine:

sylvysparrow:

cindehella:

lord-kitschener:

arealliveghost:

stillvisions:

maybenotboring:
and at no point has anyone thought “maybe we should not build a giant flammable goat this year”
They tried fireproofing. And armed guards. And fences, and cameras… Sadly the wikipedia page has been cut down by super srs folks to remove all the awesome Keystone cops tales of the goat’s history (emphasis added by me)

1966 Stig Gavlén came up with the idea of a giant goat made out of straw. But it turned out that Gavlén organisation did not have enough funding for the goat. Then Harry Ström, who at that time was the chairman of the Södra Kungsgatan Ideella Förening (a non-profit society), decided to pay the whole cost for the goat out of his own pocket. The goat stood until midnight of New Year’s Eve, when it went up in flames. The perpetrator, who was from Hofors,Gästrikland, was found and convicted of vandalism. The first goat was insured and Ström got all his money back.

1967 Nothing happened.

1968 The goat survived. A fence was built around the goat. Previously it was popular for children to play hide-and-seek inside and around the goat. There was also a rumor that one night a couple had sex inside the goat. In subsequent years the inside of the goat was protected by a chicken-wire net.

1969 The goat was burnt down on New Year’s Eve.

1970 The goat was burnt down only six hours after it was assembled. Two very drunk teenagers were connected with the crime. With help from several financial contributors the goat was reassembled out of lake reed.

1971 The Southern Merchants got tired of their goats being burned and stopped building the goat. The Natural Science Club (Naturvetenskapliga Föreningen:NF) from the School of Vasa (Vasaskolan) took over. 

1972 The goat collapsed because of sabotage.

1973 N/A

1974 Burnt.

1975 N/A

1976 Hit by a car.

1977 N/A

1978 Again, the goat was kicked to pieces.

1979 The goat was burnt even before it was erected. A new one was built and fireproofed. It was destroyed and broken into pieces.

1980 Burnt down on Christmas Eve.

1981 Nothing happened.

1982 Burnt down on Lucia (13 December).

1983 The legs were destroyed.

1984 Burnt down on 12 December, the night before Lucia.

1985 The 12.5 metre (41 ft) tall goat of the Natural Science Club was featured in the Guinness Book of Records for the first time. Even though the goat was enclosed by a 2 metres (6.6 ft) high metal fence, guarded by Securitas and even soldiers from the Gävle I 14 Infantry Regiment, it was burnt down in January.

1986 The merchants of Gävle decided they were willing to build the goat once again. From 1986 on two goats were built, the Southern Merchants’ and the School of Vasa’s. The big goat burnt down the night before Christmas Eve.

1987 A heavily fireproofed goat was built. It got burnt down a week before Christmas.[21]

1988 Nothing happened to the goat, but gamblers were for the first time able to gamble on the fate of the goat with English bookmakers.

1989 Again, the goat burnt down before it was assembled. Financial contributions from the public were raised to rebuild a goat that was burnt down in January. In March 1990 another goat was built, this time for the shooting of a Swedish motion picture called Black Jack.

1990 Nothing happened. The goat was guarded by many volunteers.

1991 The goat was joined by an advertising sled, that turned out to be illegally built. On the morning of Christmas Eve the goat was burnt down. It was later rebuilt to be taken to Stockholm as a part of a protest campaign against the closing of the I 14 Infantry Regiment.

1992 The goat was burnt down eight days after it was built. The Natural Science Club’s goat burnt down the same night. The Southern Merchants’ goat was rebuilt, but burned down on 20 December. The perpetrator of the three attacks was caught and sent to jail. The Goat Committee was founded in 1992.

1993 Once more the goat was featured in the Guinness Book of Records, the School of Vasa’s goat measured 14.9 metres (49 ft). The goat was guarded by taxis and the Swedish Home Guard. Nothing happened.

1994 Nothing happened. The goat followed the Swedish national hockey team to Italy for the World Championship in hockey.

1995 A Norwegian was arrested for attempting to burn down the goat. Burnt down on the morning of Christmas Day. Rebuilt to be standing before the 550th anniversary of Gävle county.

1996 The first time the goat was guarded by webcams, nothing happened.

1997 Damaged by fireworks. The Natural Science Club’s goat was attacked too, but survived with minor damage.

1998 Burnt down on 11 December, even though there was a major blizzard. Was rebuilt.

1999 Burnt down only a couple of hours after it was erected. Rebuilt again before Lucia. The Natural Science Club’s goat was burnt down as well.

2000 Burnt down a couple of days before New Year’s Eve. The Natural Science Club’s goat got tossed in the Gävle river.

2001 Goat set on fire on 23 December by Lawrence Jones, a 51-year-old visitor from Cleveland, Ohio, who spent 18 days in jail and was subsequently convicted and ordered to pay 100,000 Swedish kronor in damages. The court confiscated Jones’s cigarette lighter with the argument that he clearly was not able to handle it. Jones stated in court that he was no “goat burner”, and believed that he was taking part in a completely legal goat-burning tradition. After Jones was released from jail he went straight back to the US without paying his fine. As of 2006 it was still unpaid. The Natural Science Club’s goat was also burnt down.

2002 A 22 year old from Stockholm tried to set the Southern Merchants’ goat on fire, but failed, the goat receiving only minor damage. On Lucia the goat was guarded by Swedish radio and TV personality Gert Fylking.

2003 Burnt down on 12 December.

2004 Burnt 21 December, only three days before Christmas Eve. The fire brigade quickly arrived on the scene, but the goat could not be saved. No new goat was built.

2005 Burnt by unknown vandals reportedly dressed as Santa and the gingerbread man, by shooting a flaming arrow at the goat at 21:00 on 3 December. Reconstructed on 5 December. The hunt for the arsonist responsible for the goat-burning in 2005 was featured on the weekly Swedish live broadcast TV3’s “Most Wanted“ (”Efterlyst”) on 8 December.

2006 On the night of 15 December at 03:00, someone tried to set fire to the goat by dousing the right front leg in petrol (gasoline). The red ribbon on that leg was slightly burned and fell off. The lower part of the right leg was scorched, but the rest of the goat failed to light. The leg was repaired that morning. The Natural Science Club’s goat was burned at about 00:40 on 20 December; the vandals were not seen and got away. On the night of 25 December, a drunken man managed to climb up on the goat. Before the police arrived on the scene the man climbed down and disappeared. He did not try to set fire to the goat. The Southern Merchants’ goat survived New Year’s Eve and was taken down on 2 January. It is now stored in a secret location.

2007 The Natural Science Club’s goat was toppled on 13 December and was burned on the night of 24 December. The Southern Merchants’ goat survived.

2008 10,000 people turned out for the inauguration of one of the goats. No back-up goat was built to replace the main goat should the worst happen, nor was the goat treated with flame repellent (Anna Östman, spokesperson of the Goat-committee said the repellent made it look ugly in the previous years, like a brown terrier). On 16 December the Natural Science Club’s Goat was vandalised and later removed. On 26 December there was an attempt to burn down the Southern Merchants’ Goat but patriotic passers-by managed to extinguish the fire. The following day the goat finally succumbed to the flames ignited by an unknown assailant at 03:50 CET.

2009 A person attempted to set the Southern Merchants’ goat on fire the night of 7 December. An unsuccessful attempt was made to throw the Natural Science Club’s goat into the river the weekend of 11 December. The culprit then tried, again without success, to set the goat on fire. Someone stole the Natural Science Club’s goat utilizing a truck the night of 14 December.[36] On the night of 23 December before 04:00 the South Merchant goat was set on fire and was burned to the frame, even though it had a thick layer of snow on its back.[37] The goat had two online webcams which were put out of service by aDoS attack, instigated by computer hackers just before the burning.[38]

2010 On the night of 2 December, arsonists made an unsuccessful attempt to burn the Natural Science Club’s goat.[39] On 17 December, a Swedish news site reported that one of the guards tasked with protecting the Southern Merchants’ goat had been offered payment to leave his post so that the goat could be stolen via helicopter and transported to Stockholm. Both goats survived and were dismantled and returned to storage in early January 2011.

2011 The inauguration of the goat took place on 27 November. The fire-fighters of Gävle sprayed the goat with water to create a coating of ice in the hope of protecting it from arson. The goat was burnt down in the early morning of 2 December.

2012 The inauguration of the goat took place on 2 December. It was burnt just ten days later in the hours before midnight of 12 December, one day before Lucia.

2013 As in 2006 and 2007, the straw used to build the goat has been soaked in anti-flammable liquid to prevent it from burning in the event of an arson attack. The inauguration ceremony took place on 1 December. But despite the anti-flammable liquids the goat was burnt down on the early morning of December 21.
Any history of plots involving a DDoS attack on the security cameras, a plot to steal it with a helicopter and flaming arrows shot by people dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread man is just plain hilarious in my book.

I’m laughing so much about this goat. obviously if you build something big enough people are going to have sex in it and burn it down. obviously

what the fuck is going on in sweden

how will the saga continue this year

fascinating

The saga of the goat is the best part of the season.

For those curious about 2015′s goat:









It’s that time of year again
2016: Burned within hours of being built
2017: Survived
2018: Nothing yet…

WILL THE GOAT LIVE THIS YEAR


Best tumblr meme

just-a-sideblog: thefingerfuckingfemalefury: naniyou: naniyou: forthegothicheroine: sylvysparrow: cindehella: lord-kitschener: areall...

Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed. One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous. I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying! I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it gain. "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and... She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With. Me. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me.I do. The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the..." I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." I promise to him. As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "I'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed. The Monster Under the Bed
Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s
 You're in charge of assigning every child
 on Earth the monster under their bed.
 One child in particular has caused every
 monster assigned to him/her to quit. You
 decide to assign yourself.
 kittenwiskers
 Case: #273402
 Status: Disastrous.
 I stare at the file and realize I have no
 options, over the last 2 years every
 monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has
 quit, every last one. Her first monster; a
 giant goldfish-faced humanoid named
 Bubba, had been with her for four years
 and then she wasn't scared of him
 anymore. After that it was a string of
 different common, uncommon, and rare
 monsters... I even assigned a sentient
 sock monster to her. He came back
 crying!
 I look on my tablet, only one assignable
 monster left; myself. Field work has never
 been my cup of tea, but desperate times
 call for desperate measures. So at 8:03
 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte
 and her little brother Daniel; I slither into
 the space beneath Charlotte's bed
 Across the room underneath Daniel's crib
 is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind
 of monster.
 I turn my attention to the bed above me,
 Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach
 up over the bed and run an ice cold
 finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it
 gain.
 "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She
 whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can
 see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door
 somewhere in the house slams and there
 is an audible hitch of breath from above
 me. A few minutes go by I can hear
 Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There
 are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and
 loud panting breaths, Charlotte
 scrambles off the bed and...
 She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With.
 Me.
 "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me.I
 do.
 The door to the bedroom slams open and
 I smell the stench of human intoxicants
 before the man even steps inside.
 I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of
 my monsters; she's afraid of her own.
 Francis reaches a hand under the bed
 and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to
 pull, I slither out.
 "What the..." I cut Francis's next words
 off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height.
 Looming over the drunken man I caress
 my cold fingers down his face.
 "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my
 child again, I will find you, and I will do
 the same to you, for all eternity." I
 promise to him.
 As Francis runs from the room he soils
 himself.
 I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck
 her back under her covers and kiss her
 forehead goodnight. "I'll be back
 tomorrow night, sleep well darling."
 Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the
 monster under her bed.
The Monster Under the Bed

The Monster Under the Bed

Anaconda, Apparently, and Assassination: prokopetz Everybody talks about Anastasia, which is a shame, because it's a far less interesting example of Russian fake heir drama than that whole business with the False Dmitries Okay, so Ivan the Terrible's youngest son, Dmitry, was assassinated in 1591 at the age of 8. Fast-forward nine years, and there's a guy going about Eastern Europe claiming that he is Dmitry, having secretly escaped the assassination attempt and lived in hiding under a false identity ever since. This sort of business isn't too unusual, but this guy actually pulls it off, managing to gain the Russian throne and rule for nearly eleven months before being dragged from the palace and publicly executed in early 1606. He'd subsequently go down in history as False Dmitry I Here's where it gets interesting. In mid 1607, a second impostor declares himself. Bizarrely, this one doesn't dispute the first impostor's legitimacy; instead, he claims to be the same guy, having miraculously survived his apparent execution the year before. He somehow wins the political support of False Dmitry I's widow, and with her vouching for his identity, he gains the allegiance of the Cossacks, rallies an army over 100 000 strong, and tries to take back" the throne. Though his march on Moscow ultimately failed, he successfully conquered most of Southeastern Russia, which he would rule until his untimely death in December of 1610, when he was beheaded in a drunken altercation with a Tartar prince. The history books know him as False Dmitry II Now jump ahead three months to March of 1611, when a third fucking impostor pops up. Dude apparently just magically appeared from behind a waterfall in goddamn Ivangorod and declared himself Tsar. Following the lead of False Dmitry I1, he doesn't dispute either of the two previous impostors, instead claiming some sort of spiritual reincarnation and/or magical resurrection - it's not entirely clear which - to establish himself as the same guy. He must have talked a good game, because he managed to win the support of the same fucking Cossacks who supported False Dmitry Il's claim. Unfortunately, he was a far less able commander, being forced to flee his stronghold only a year later, whereupon he was spirited away to Moscow and secretly executed. Though he never managed to actually rule anything, historians decided to stick to the theme and dubbed him False Dmitry Il At this point the historical record becomes confused, with some sources asserting there was a fourth False Dmitry, though others insist that the third False Dmitry was simply counted twice due to poor record-keeping. Still, whether we're talking about three False Dmitries or four, imagine the whole mess from the Tsar's perspective. Dude just wouldn't stay dead! gryphye ohh vou missed one of my favorite bits False Dmitry I not only was executed, it was KNOWN he was fake. Powers that be used him until he was trouble, and THEN executed him Then quartered hinm Then cremated what was left. Stuffed the ashes in a can And shot him out of a cannon back towards Poland, where he actually came from. He pissed off a few people, yeah prokopetz It was a very miraculous survival Source:prokopetz 8,898 notes Nobody made a movie about this because it was just too weird
Anaconda, Apparently, and Assassination: prokopetz
 Everybody talks about Anastasia, which is a shame, because it's a far less
 interesting example of Russian fake heir drama than that whole business with
 the False Dmitries
 Okay, so Ivan the Terrible's youngest son, Dmitry, was assassinated in 1591 at
 the age of 8. Fast-forward nine years, and there's a guy going about Eastern
 Europe claiming that he is Dmitry, having secretly escaped the assassination
 attempt and lived in hiding under a false identity ever since. This sort of business
 isn't too unusual, but this guy actually pulls it off, managing to gain the Russian
 throne and rule for nearly eleven months before being dragged from the palace
 and publicly executed in early 1606. He'd subsequently go down in history as
 False Dmitry I
 Here's where it gets interesting. In mid 1607, a second impostor declares
 himself. Bizarrely, this one doesn't dispute the first impostor's legitimacy;
 instead, he claims to be the same guy, having miraculously survived his
 apparent execution the year before. He somehow wins the political support of
 False Dmitry I's widow, and with her vouching for his identity, he gains the
 allegiance of the Cossacks, rallies an army over 100 000 strong, and tries to
 take back" the throne. Though his march on Moscow ultimately failed, he
 successfully conquered most of Southeastern Russia, which he would rule until
 his untimely death in December of 1610, when he was beheaded in a drunken
 altercation with a Tartar prince. The history books know him as False Dmitry II
 Now jump ahead three months to March of 1611, when a third fucking
 impostor pops up. Dude apparently just magically appeared from behind a
 waterfall in goddamn Ivangorod and declared himself Tsar. Following the lead of
 False Dmitry I1, he doesn't dispute either of the two previous impostors, instead
 claiming some sort of spiritual reincarnation and/or magical resurrection - it's not
 entirely clear which - to establish himself as the same guy. He must have talked
 a good game, because he managed to win the support of the same fucking
 Cossacks who supported False Dmitry Il's claim. Unfortunately, he was a far less
 able commander, being forced to flee his stronghold only a year later,
 whereupon he was spirited away to Moscow and secretly executed. Though he
 never managed to actually rule anything, historians decided to stick to the theme
 and dubbed him False Dmitry Il
 At this point the historical record becomes confused, with some sources
 asserting there was a fourth False Dmitry, though others insist that the third
 False Dmitry was simply counted twice due to poor record-keeping. Still,
 whether we're talking about three False Dmitries or four, imagine the whole
 mess from the Tsar's perspective. Dude just wouldn't stay dead!
 gryphye
 ohh vou missed one of my favorite bits
 False Dmitry I not only was executed, it was KNOWN he was fake. Powers that
 be used him until he was trouble, and THEN executed him
 Then quartered hinm
 Then cremated what was left.
 Stuffed the ashes in a can
 And shot him out of a cannon back towards Poland, where he actually came
 from.
 He pissed off a few people, yeah
 prokopetz
 It was a very miraculous survival
 Source:prokopetz
 8,898 notes
Nobody made a movie about this because it was just too weird

Nobody made a movie about this because it was just too weird

Being Alone, Children, and Clothes: fizzityuclk the only valid naruto meta is the single use clothing sasuke theory my flatmates came up with after a drunken binge of the chuunin exams fizzityuclk lafortis alright i'll bite what the hell did you just say "Single Use Clothing Sasuke" is a complex, multi-layered theory borne of the complex, multi-layered minds of my flatmates. It essentially boils down to the idea that Every Single Thing sasuke wears from the day of the uchiha massacre to the day he leaves the village are entirely different yet identical versions of the same two outfits. He only wears them once and then throws them out. The idea behind this is based on the implications that a) sasuke lives alone in the uchiha compound which is intended to be lived in by hundreds of people, b) he was not cared or provided for in any way by the village adults after the massacre, and c) there are entire city blocks of empty uchiha houses full of free shit just sitting there, ESPECIALLY clothing. Theory is as follows: sasuke, clearly unable to do his own laundry because he's 12 and a moron, spends four years of his life using the abandoned clothes that previously belonged to the children in the uchiha clan as disposable clothing and there's a landfill in Konoha somewhere just full of black playsuits. Companion theory "One-Shirt Uzumaki" where naruto owns exactly one (1) set of clothing that he furiously hand washes every night at 1am lafortis you know what this is pretty plausible actually all things considered Several-hundred Shirt Sasuke
Being Alone, Children, and Clothes: fizzityuclk
 the only valid naruto meta is the single
 use clothing sasuke theory my
 flatmates came up with after a drunken
 binge of the chuunin exams
 fizzityuclk
 lafortis
 alright i'll bite what the hell
 did you just say
 "Single Use Clothing Sasuke" is a
 complex, multi-layered theory borne of
 the complex, multi-layered minds of my
 flatmates. It essentially boils down to
 the idea that Every Single Thing sasuke
 wears from the day of the uchiha
 massacre to the day he leaves the
 village are entirely different yet identical
 versions of the same two outfits. He
 only wears them once and then throws
 them out.
 The idea behind this is based on the
 implications that a) sasuke lives alone in
 the uchiha compound which is intended
 to be lived in by hundreds of people, b)
 he was not cared or provided for in any
 way by the village adults after the
 massacre, and c) there are entire city
 blocks of empty uchiha houses full of
 free shit just sitting there, ESPECIALLY
 clothing.
 Theory is as follows: sasuke, clearly
 unable to do his own laundry because
 he's 12 and a moron, spends four years
 of his life using the abandoned clothes
 that previously belonged to the children
 in the uchiha clan as disposable
 clothing and there's a landfill in Konoha
 somewhere just full of black playsuits.
 Companion theory "One-Shirt
 Uzumaki" where naruto owns exactly
 one (1) set of clothing that he furiously
 hand washes every night at 1am
 lafortis
 you know what this is pretty plausible
 actually all things considered
Several-hundred Shirt Sasuke

Several-hundred Shirt Sasuke