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Crying, Target, and Tumblr: daughter-ofthesea: sirkattington: an actual video of me in any math class ever. crying at what someones tagged this glaswegian ya fool
Crying, Target, and Tumblr: daughter-ofthesea:

sirkattington:

an actual video of me in any math class ever.

crying at what someones tagged this
glaswegian ya fool

daughter-ofthesea: sirkattington: an actual video of me in any math class ever. crying at what someones tagged this glaswegian ya fool

Ass, Bitch, and Bruh: The Economist -Follow Economist TheEconomist Why aren't millennials buying diamonds? econ.st/294G6yf leoismybookcrush: highklaushargreeves: my-analogical-romance: magicallygrimmwiccan: jackdrawsgames: luidilovins: phruxx: stynalane: dxisybuchanan: everythingcanadian: ariaste: wildhaunt: everkings: kid-communism: combatbooty: 1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kno the dif btwn a fucking diamond and some fancy ass glass ur capitalist rock hierarchy has no control over us 3) mostly mined with slave labor 4) we get excited when our date buys us an appetizer, we don’t even comprehend people buying us rocks that would force us into debt for ten years 5) They aren’t actually that rare and the price is artificially inflated.  Pro tip from a former Jared’s salesperson: You want a sparkly white rock that will look like a diamond to the untrained eye and will literally cost the price of a nice dinner for two? Created white sapphire. They’re lab grown and cost *pennies* to make, so you can get a 1 or 2 carat white sapphire for like… $30-80 probably. You can get one as huge as you like, perfectly clear, perfectly flawless. And no one will ever be able to tell the difference except a professional appraiser. Also, sapphires are the second-hardest gemstone (right after diamonds) so they are very durable! Very unlikely that they’ll chip or crack. Get that bitch set in sterling silver and you are GOOD TO GO. Whole thing should cost you less than $200 unless you get a fancy band with a lot of extra stones. Of course, created sapphires come in every color of the rainbow, so if you want something more exciting than plain white, you TOTALLY CAN.  Created sapphires and silver: The poor Millennial’s engagement ring.  THANK YOU EX-JARED’S BASED GOD.  engagement rings: HACKED Get a ring from an antique store. They’re usually less than $100, you know they hold up over time, no one else will have one like it, and it comes with the bonus of being haunted by the spirit of some old woman named Edith probably. thanks edith Tiger’s eye: $47 bucks on etsy. Propose to your elderich horror with a ring she deserves. Rose quarts rose ring? 43 bucks. Symbol of love. Looks like a ring pop. Win-win. Druzy quartz 40 bucks. Cant pick a color? Go with all of them. Neat texture. Snowflake obsidian? 20 bucks. Made from the fires of the Earth’s molten core. Pretty dope conversation starter. Jade 15-30 bucks. Literally has a history of inner peace and spiritual awakening. Good gentle reminder not to kill your spouse. SO PRETTY @theotheralya Could give me a rock u found on the floor and thought I’d like and I would genuinely be ecstatic The ring I got Cas. Oak and a teeny tiny fern leaf. My dad proposed to my mom with a Ring Pop on April Fool’s Day
Ass, Bitch, and Bruh: The Economist
 -Follow
 Economist
 TheEconomist
 Why aren't millennials buying diamonds?
 econ.st/294G6yf
leoismybookcrush:
highklaushargreeves:

my-analogical-romance:


magicallygrimmwiccan:

jackdrawsgames:

luidilovins:

phruxx:

stynalane:

dxisybuchanan:

everythingcanadian:

ariaste:

wildhaunt:

everkings:

kid-communism:

combatbooty:

1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kno the dif btwn a fucking diamond and some fancy ass glass ur capitalist rock hierarchy has no control over us

3) mostly mined with slave labor

4) we get excited when our date buys us an appetizer, we don’t even comprehend people buying us rocks that would force us into debt for ten years

5) They aren’t actually that rare and the price is artificially inflated. 

Pro tip from a former Jared’s salesperson: You want a sparkly white rock that will look like a diamond to the untrained eye and will literally cost the price of a nice dinner for two? Created white sapphire. They’re lab grown and cost *pennies* to make, so you can get a 1 or 2 carat white sapphire for like… $30-80 probably. You can get one as huge as you like, perfectly clear, perfectly flawless. And no one will ever be able to tell the difference except a professional appraiser. Also, sapphires are the second-hardest gemstone (right after diamonds) so they are very durable! Very unlikely that they’ll chip or crack. Get that bitch set in sterling silver and you are GOOD TO GO. Whole thing should cost you less than $200 unless you get a fancy band with a lot of extra stones. Of course, created sapphires come in every color of the rainbow, so if you want something more exciting than plain white, you TOTALLY CAN. 
Created sapphires and silver: The poor Millennial’s engagement ring. 

THANK YOU EX-JARED’S BASED GOD. 

engagement rings: HACKED


Get a ring from an antique store. They’re usually less than $100, you know they hold up over time, no one else will have one like it, and it comes with the bonus of being haunted by the spirit of some old woman named Edith probably. 

thanks edith


Tiger’s eye: $47 bucks on etsy. Propose to your elderich horror with a ring she deserves. 
Rose quarts rose ring? 43 bucks. Symbol of love. Looks like a ring pop. Win-win. 
Druzy quartz 40 bucks. Cant pick a color? Go with all of them. Neat texture. 
Snowflake obsidian? 20 bucks. Made from the fires of the Earth’s molten core. Pretty dope conversation starter. 
Jade 15-30 bucks. Literally has a history of inner peace and spiritual awakening. Good gentle reminder not to kill your spouse. 

SO PRETTY

@theotheralya


Could give me a rock u found on the floor and thought I’d like and I would genuinely be ecstatic 


The ring I got Cas. Oak and a teeny tiny fern leaf. 

My dad proposed to my mom with a Ring Pop on April Fool’s Day

leoismybookcrush: highklaushargreeves: my-analogical-romance: magicallygrimmwiccan: jackdrawsgames: luidilovins: phruxx: stynalane: ...

Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M
 S
youmakemelikecharity:

rock-moms:

vastderp:

gaybuttfuckzone:

deltasniper1000:

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. 

So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. 

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. 

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. 

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. 

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.


LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo
 the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
 sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by 
turning on their side and using them as 
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” 
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
 have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they 
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold 
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they 
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the 
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless 
floating garbage



i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees


be nice to them they’re doing their best :(

youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the...

Advice, Books, and Dallas Cowboys: generalgrievousdatingsim im reading about cowboy phrases and sayings and like 95% of them are just solid life advice generalgrievousdatingsim Things a Cowboy Should Not Do Here are some words to live by according to cowboys. Some are really good advice and all are funny cowboy sayings. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings. Don't dig for water under the outhouse. Don't go in if you don't know the way out. Don't mess with something that ain't bothering you. Never drive black cattle in the dark. Never approacha bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around and show you. like idk how accurate these are but somehow they manage to be both peak shitposting humor and genuinely helpful suggestions generalgrievousdatingsim If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. It's better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid than open it and prove it. If it doesn't seem to be worth the effort it probably isn't. Just 'cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. Nature gave us all something to fall back on, and sooner or later we all land flat on it. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket fuck self-help books and therapy, all i need to make it in life is my trusty Cowboy TipsTM ifunny.co Tap to see the meme
Advice, Books, and Dallas Cowboys: generalgrievousdatingsim
 im reading about cowboy phrases and
 sayings and like 95% of them are just solid
 life advice
 generalgrievousdatingsim
 Things a Cowboy Should Not Do
 Here are some words to live by according to cowboys. Some are really good advice and all are
 funny cowboy sayings.
 Don't squat with your spurs on.
 Don't let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings.
 Don't dig for water under the outhouse.
 Don't go in if you don't know the way out.
 Don't mess with something that ain't bothering you.
 Never drive black cattle in the dark.
 Never approacha bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 Never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around and show you.
 like idk how accurate these are but somehow
 they manage to be both peak shitposting
 humor and genuinely helpful suggestions
 generalgrievousdatingsim
 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
 It's better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid than open it and prove it.
 If it doesn't seem to be worth the effort it probably isn't.
 Just 'cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down.
 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
 Nature gave us all something to fall back on, and sooner or later we all land flat on it.
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket
 fuck self-help books and therapy, all i need
 to make it in life is my trusty Cowboy TipsTM
 ifunny.co
Tap to see the meme

Tap to see the meme

Advice, Books, and Dallas Cowboys: generalgrievousdatingsim im reading about cowboy phrases and sayings and like 95% of them are just solid life advice generalgrievousdatingsim Things a Cowboy Should Not Do Here are some words to live by according to cowboys. Some are really good advice and all are funny cowboy sayings. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings. Don't dig for water under the outhouse. Don't go in if you don't know the way out. Don't mess with something that ain't bothering you. Never drive black cattle in the dark. Never approacha bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around and show you. like idk how accurate these are but somehow they manage to be both peak shitposting humor and genuinely helpful suggestions generalgrievousdatingsim If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. It's better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid than open it and prove it. If it doesn't seem to be worth the effort it probably isn't. Just 'cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. Nature gave us all something to fall back on, and sooner or later we all land flat on it. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket fuck self-help books and therapy, all i need to make it in life is my trusty Cowboy TipsTM ifunny.co Tap to see the meme
Advice, Books, and Dallas Cowboys: generalgrievousdatingsim
 im reading about cowboy phrases and
 sayings and like 95% of them are just solid
 life advice
 generalgrievousdatingsim
 Things a Cowboy Should Not Do
 Here are some words to live by according to cowboys. Some are really good advice and all are
 funny cowboy sayings.
 Don't squat with your spurs on.
 Don't let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings.
 Don't dig for water under the outhouse.
 Don't go in if you don't know the way out.
 Don't mess with something that ain't bothering you.
 Never drive black cattle in the dark.
 Never approacha bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 Never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around and show you.
 like idk how accurate these are but somehow
 they manage to be both peak shitposting
 humor and genuinely helpful suggestions
 generalgrievousdatingsim
 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
 It's better to keep your mouth shut and look stupid than open it and prove it.
 If it doesn't seem to be worth the effort it probably isn't.
 Just 'cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down.
 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
 Nature gave us all something to fall back on, and sooner or later we all land flat on it.
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket
 fuck self-help books and therapy, all i need
 to make it in life is my trusty Cowboy TipsTM
 ifunny.co
Tap to see the meme

Tap to see the meme

Blessed, Huh, and Meme: @oscarewilde i received this comically large pencil as a gift several years ago and my first thought, understandably, was 'what the christ am i meant to do with this?' @oscarewilde the 2nd thought i had was: I'm Quite Certain I Could Ruin Someone's Day With This. And so a while ago i took it in with me to a lecture, hoping against hope that whichever poor Fool was unfortunate enough to sit next to me might have forgotten or misplaced their writing implement @oscarewilde utilising The Pencil is also dependent on the person not using a laptop. So the chances of success are extraordinarily slim, and I've only managed to find suitable candidates three times in all of the dozens of occasions i've had The Pencil on my person @oscarewilde i size up my target, watching them feign patting their pockets in vain for the ballpoint they so obviously left at home, and i wait, i wait for the blessed question.... Do You Have A Pen I Could Borrow? @oscarewilde Oh, i say, 'I'm so sorry; I only have a pencil. That's fine!' i hear them say, distantly now, as the blood is rushing to my ears andican barely hear them. Imaintain a straight face. This is key to the delivery and the final blow @oscarewilde Ireach into my bag for The Pencil. The look of utter dumbfounded misery as i hand it to the victim is unparalleled in its sweetness. In an instant their eyes flicker through the 5 stages of grief, landing on acceptance, as they realise it's This or Nothing @oscarewilde still maintaining that eye contact i smile, only the tiniest fraction, the unspoken words forming between us. 'What are you gonna do now, huh? You feeling lucky, kiddo? Buddy? Buckaroo? You gonna kick up a fuss in this silent lecture theatre? Huh? Or will you take The Pencil? @oscarewilde they Always take the pencil ifynny.co Tap to see the meme
Blessed, Huh, and Meme: @oscarewilde
 i received this comically large pencil as
 a gift several years ago and my first
 thought, understandably,
 was 'what
 the christ am i meant to do with this?'
 @oscarewilde
 the 2nd thought i had was: I'm Quite
 Certain I Could Ruin Someone's Day
 With This. And so a while ago i took it
 in with me to a lecture, hoping against
 hope that whichever poor Fool was
 unfortunate enough to sit next to me
 might have forgotten or misplaced
 their writing implement
 @oscarewilde
 utilising The Pencil is also dependent
 on the person not using a laptop. So
 the chances of success are
 extraordinarily slim, and I've only
 managed to find suitable candidates
 three times in all of the dozens of
 occasions i've had The Pencil on my
 person
 @oscarewilde
 i size up my target, watching them
 feign patting their pockets in vain for
 the ballpoint they so obviously left at
 home, and i wait, i wait for the blessed
 question.... Do You Have A Pen I Could
 Borrow?
 @oscarewilde
 Oh, i say, 'I'm so sorry; I only have a
 pencil. That's fine!' i hear them say,
 distantly now, as the blood is rushing
 to my ears andican barely hear them.
 Imaintain a straight face. This is key to
 the delivery and the final blow
 @oscarewilde
 Ireach into my bag for The Pencil. The
 look of utter dumbfounded misery as i
 hand it to the victim is unparalleled in
 its sweetness. In an instant their eyes
 flicker through the 5 stages of grief,
 landing on acceptance, as they realise
 it's This or Nothing
 @oscarewilde
 still maintaining that eye contact i
 smile, only the tiniest fraction, the
 unspoken words forming between us.
 'What are you gonna do now, huh?
 You feeling lucky, kiddo? Buddy?
 Buckaroo? You gonna kick up a fuss in
 this silent lecture theatre? Huh? Or will
 you take The Pencil?
 @oscarewilde
 they Always take the pencil
 ifynny.co
Tap to see the meme

Tap to see the meme