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Amazon, Complex, and Jeff Bezos: Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him theonion: SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that a simple machine could do the exact same things as you],” Bezos said to the Amazon vice president in front of him, even as he resumed brainstorming a complex algorithm that would streamline the executive’s duties, perform them with greater speed and efficiency, and possibly even capture some of his unique human qualities to make it user-friendly. “Whoops, there I go again. I must’ve spaced out [after realizing I could probably render you completely irrelevant within just a few years]. I guess I’m really distracted today [by the tantalizing thought of an automaton executing every one of your relevant functions for no salary with never a single complaint].” Bezos, who suddenly recalled a series of vivid dreams from the previous night in which he automated the entire American workforce, went on to apologize for not getting much sleep.
Amazon, Complex, and Jeff Bezos: Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes
 He Spent Entire Conversation
 Thinking About How To Automate
 Person Talking To Him
theonion:

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that a simple machine could do the exact same things as you],” Bezos said to the Amazon vice president in front of him, even as he resumed brainstorming a complex algorithm that would streamline the executive’s duties, perform them with greater speed and efficiency, and possibly even capture some of his unique human qualities to make it user-friendly. “Whoops, there I go again. I must’ve spaced out [after realizing I could probably render you completely irrelevant within just a few years]. I guess I’m really distracted today [by the tantalizing thought of an automaton executing every one of your relevant functions for no salary with never a single complaint].” Bezos, who suddenly recalled a series of vivid dreams from the previous night in which he automated the entire American workforce, went on to apologize for not getting much sleep.

theonion: SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversa...

Drinking, Energy, and Life: THE LAST STRAW TOSSEL on Reason <p><a href="http://redbloodedamerica.tumblr.com/post/176022832961/plastic-straw-myths-do-you-enjoy-sipping" class="tumblr_blog">redbloodedamerica</a>:</p> <blockquote><h2> Plastic Straw Myths </h2><blockquote><p> Do you enjoy sipping drinks through plastic straws?  Well, if activists get their way you won’t be allowed to anymore.  “These must be banned,” they say.  </p><p>Why?</p><p>When celebrities speak, politicians listen.  Seattle recently banned straws, and other places want to do the same.  “The idea that you’re going to ban straws and save the world is ridiculous.”  Angela Logomasini studies environmental issues at the Competitive Enterprise Institute.  What will banning plastic straws accomplish?  “Probably nothing at all.  It might make some people in Hollywood feel good.  It may make some politicians feel good, like they’re doing something.  It might sound good at parties, but it’s not going to solve any problems.” </p><p>Plastic pollution in the ocean <i>is</i> a real problem, but only about 1% of it comes from the United States.  Of that 1%, a tiny amount comes from plastic straws.  But what about that 500 million number?  Where do they all get that number?  They got it from this child’s school project.  He says he got the 500 million straws a day figure through a phone survey he conducted with straw manufacturers.  The media just accepts his 500 million number.  But the actual number is much lower according to the analysis firm Technomic.  </p><p>Okay, so activists and media exaggerate the problem.  Still they promised it would be easy to get rid of the straws. “If we can reduce something that is easy, that is polluting in the environment, that is getting stuck in turtles’ noses and causing damage to the environment, let’s do that,” says progressive talk show host Ethan Bearman.  “Sometimes we do need a little gentle guiding hand from government.”  <i>Governments gentle guiding hand</i> will either ban straws or order us to replace this cheap plastic straw with ones like these made of paper or bamboo.  “Plastic doesn’t actually biodegrade.  So unlike a lot of other things, paper, for example, actually breaks down into other components.”  </p><p>That’s not a good thing.  That means paper straws break down, even while you’re using them.  They get soggy, they leak.  “That’s the beauty of plastic, it’s enduring,” says Logomasini, “Paper straws are going to break down while you’re drinking with it.”  Paper and bamboo straws aren’t environmentally pristine either.  Paper products take more energy and more effort to produce.  You’re going to have a net negative environmental impact.  The paper doesn’t degrade in a landfill either.  Everything is essentially mummified.  <b>You’re replacing a superior product with an inferior one and you’re asking people to pay more for it.</b> It doesn’t make a lot of sense,” she says. </p><p>It doesn’t, and the higher price is the final result.  Paper straws are eight times more expensive to make than plastic straws.  Won’t this hurt businesses?  “I don’t think so.  Maybe people won’t use straws,” claims New York City Councilman Barry Grodenchik.   “If it’s a $1.79 to get the fountain drink at Joe’s corner deli that we’re talking about, and now it’s a $1.83, I don’t see that as being a huge difference in the price,” says Bearman.  </p><p>“This is what environmentalists will say about <i>every</i> policy they put out.  A few cents here, a few cents there eventually begins to become a burden,” explains Logomasini.  We don’t need straws.  “You know a lot of things in life are not <i>necessary</i>, but beneficial and enjoyable.  Banning straws isn’t going to do anything for the environment.  So what they’re just trying to do is take away my freedom for nothing in return.”  </p><p>As the environment has become cleaner, that’s become a specialty of the environmental movement: spend <i>your</i> money on feel-good policies that make no real difference.<br/></p></blockquote></blockquote>
Drinking, Energy, and Life: THE LAST
 STRAW
 TOSSEL
 on Reason
<p><a href="http://redbloodedamerica.tumblr.com/post/176022832961/plastic-straw-myths-do-you-enjoy-sipping" class="tumblr_blog">redbloodedamerica</a>:</p>

<blockquote><h2>

Plastic Straw Myths

</h2><blockquote><p>

Do you enjoy sipping drinks through plastic straws?  Well, if activists get their way you won’t be allowed to anymore.  “These must be banned,” they say.  </p><p>Why?</p><p>When celebrities speak, politicians listen.  Seattle recently banned straws, and other places want to do the same.  “The idea that you’re going to ban straws and save the world is ridiculous.”  Angela Logomasini studies environmental issues at the Competitive Enterprise Institute.  What will banning plastic straws accomplish?  “Probably nothing at all.  It might make some people in Hollywood feel good.  It may make some politicians feel good, like they’re doing something.  It might sound good at parties, but it’s not going to solve any problems.” </p><p>Plastic pollution in the ocean <i>is</i> a real problem, but only about 1% of it comes from the United States.  Of that 1%, a tiny amount comes from plastic straws.  But what about that 500 million number?  Where do they all get that number?  They got it from this child’s school project.  He says he got the 500 million straws a day figure through a phone survey he conducted with straw manufacturers.  The media just accepts his 500 million number.  But the actual number is much lower according to the analysis firm Technomic.  </p><p>Okay, so activists and media exaggerate the problem.  Still they promised it would be easy to get rid of the straws. “If we can reduce something that is easy, that is polluting in the environment, that is getting stuck in turtles’ noses and causing damage to the environment, let’s do that,” says progressive talk show host Ethan Bearman.  “Sometimes we do need a little gentle guiding hand from government.”  <i>Governments gentle guiding hand</i> will either ban straws or order us to replace this cheap plastic straw with ones like these made of paper or bamboo.  “Plastic doesn’t actually biodegrade.  So unlike a lot of other things, paper, for example, actually breaks down into other components.”  </p><p>That’s not a good thing.  That means paper straws break down, even while you’re using them.  They get soggy, they leak.  “That’s the beauty of plastic, it’s enduring,” says Logomasini, “Paper straws are going to break down while you’re drinking with it.”  Paper and bamboo straws aren’t environmentally pristine either.  Paper products take more energy and more effort to produce.  You’re going to have a net negative environmental impact.  The paper doesn’t degrade in a landfill either.  Everything is essentially mummified.  <b>You’re replacing a superior product with an inferior one and you’re asking people to pay more for it.</b> It doesn’t make a lot of sense,” she says. </p><p>It doesn’t, and the higher price is the final result.  Paper straws are eight times more expensive to make than plastic straws.  Won’t this hurt businesses?  “I don’t think so.  Maybe people won’t use straws,” claims New York City Councilman Barry Grodenchik.   “If it’s a $1.79 to get the fountain drink at Joe’s corner deli that we’re talking about, and now it’s a $1.83, I don’t see that as being a huge difference in the price,” says Bearman.  </p><p>“This is what environmentalists will say about <i>every</i> policy they put out.  A few cents here, a few cents there eventually begins to become a burden,” explains Logomasini.  We don’t need straws.  “You know a lot of things in life are not <i>necessary</i>, but beneficial and enjoyable.  Banning straws isn’t going to do anything for the environment.  So what they’re just trying to do is take away my freedom for nothing in return.”  </p><p>As the environment has become cleaner, that’s become a specialty of the environmental movement: spend <i>your</i> money on feel-good policies that make no real difference.<br/></p></blockquote></blockquote>

<p><a href="http://redbloodedamerica.tumblr.com/post/176022832961/plastic-straw-myths-do-you-enjoy-sipping" class="tumblr_blog">redbloodedam...

Family, Fucking, and Future: Like Comment Share Write a comment... Top Comments Brian Jorgensen I hope someone kills you and you're family, you deserve it. Like Reply 1 October 11 at 8:17am Jonathan Shulte Truly this dumbass loser should be ashamed. What a pathetic piece of fucking shit Like Reply October 11 at 9:25am Steve Grier This vile garbage is the worst. Somebody should do something. Oh look, the disgusting bastard lives at Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure'Theyll Destroy Author's Life Just In Case (g <p><a href="http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/166303420429/seattlefiguring-it-was-the-best-way-to-hedge" class="tumblr_blog">theonion</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>SEATTLE—Figuring it was the best way to hedge their bets, online activists reportedly unsure about the offensiveness of an article Wednesday figured they’d destroy the author’s life just in case. “Reading this piece, there are quite a few challenging viewpoints that I haven’t quite thought through, but it’s probably best to cover my bases and make sure this writer never works again,” said David Morrison who, along with his online peers, resolved to release the journalist’s address, phone number, and the names of his family members just to be safe. “Honestly, I only read the first couple paragraphs, but it’s probably better to err on the side of caution when it comes to potentially controversial views like this and just make his life a nightmare for the foreseeable future.” At press time, Morrison decided it also couldn’t hurt to throw in a few death threats.<br/></p></blockquote> <p>Sometimes the Onion has serious tea</p>
Family, Fucking, and Future: Like Comment Share
 Write a comment...
 Top Comments
 Brian Jorgensen I hope someone kills you and you're family,
 you deserve it.
 Like Reply 1 October 11 at 8:17am
 Jonathan Shulte Truly this dumbass loser should be ashamed.
 What a pathetic piece of fucking shit
 Like Reply October 11 at 9:25am
 Steve Grier This vile garbage is the worst. Somebody
 should do something. Oh look, the disgusting bastard lives at
 Online Activists Unsure About
 Offensiveness Of Article,
 Figure'Theyll Destroy
 Author's Life Just In Case
 (g
<p><a href="http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/166303420429/seattlefiguring-it-was-the-best-way-to-hedge" class="tumblr_blog">theonion</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>SEATTLE—Figuring it was the best way to hedge their bets, online activists reportedly unsure about the offensiveness of an article Wednesday figured they’d destroy the author’s life just in case. “Reading this piece, there are quite a few challenging viewpoints that I haven’t quite thought through, but it’s probably best to cover my bases and make sure this writer never works again,” said David Morrison who, along with his online peers, resolved to release the journalist’s address, phone number, and the names of his family members just to be safe. “Honestly, I only read the first couple paragraphs, but it’s probably better to err on the side of caution when it comes to potentially controversial views like this and just make his life a nightmare for the foreseeable future.” At press time, Morrison decided it also couldn’t hurt to throw in a few death threats.<br/></p></blockquote>

<p>Sometimes the Onion has serious tea</p>

<p><a href="http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/166303420429/seattlefiguring-it-was-the-best-way-to-hedge" class="tumblr_blog">theonion</a>:</p>...