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Would Happen: Now DOGE rules the reddit, I never thought it would happen.
Would Happen: Now DOGE rules the reddit, I never thought it would happen.

Now DOGE rules the reddit, I never thought it would happen.

Would Happen: starkswhee: queercyberoceancowgirl: tulparightsactivist: cheshireinthemiddle: joekewlio: systlin: jabberwockypie: kayrowhitesyrup: black-girl-against-feminism: keyhollow: surprisebitch: pancakes are made of eggs omfg Y’all are crazy if you think a chicken won’t happily eat eggs. Y’all insane if you think a chicken won’t tear some nuggets UP. You are ON CRACK if you think a chicken won’t just, eat another injured chicken Me and some friends were collecting eggs on this farm. We dropped one of them and they went absolutely apeshit over that damn egg. Not even the shell was left. I know people think chickens are herbivores but they absolutely aren’t. Chickens are omnivores. They eat meat, they eat eat all sorts of fruits and vegetables. This isn’t really well known to people who live off of farms or who have never spent time on one. It’s also thanks to tv and movies not showing this side of chickens. It’s why eggs and chicken meat saying they come from “free-range vegetarian chickens” are HILARIOUS, because if they’re free-range, you can’t control that, and the tiny dinosaurs ARE going to eat a lot of things. And if a mouse meets an early demise because it came near the tiny dinosaurs … ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ As a kid I once threw the neighbor’s chickens a chicken nugget just to see what would happen. Answer; they fuckin demolished it. Tore it apart and wolfed it down in seconds.  Rose tinted chicken glasses used to be a very common invention for chickens, because if they saw a speck of blood on another chicken they would gang up on it and murder it to death and feast on it. Actual piranhas don’t act like Hollywood piranhas. Chickens, however, do act like Hollywood piranhas. Those fuckers get a taste for blood and they become fucking ravenous fiends. They’re still very much dinosaur. Pancakes are looking a little tame, huh?
Would Happen: starkswhee:
queercyberoceancowgirl:

tulparightsactivist:

cheshireinthemiddle:


joekewlio:


systlin:

jabberwockypie:

kayrowhitesyrup:

black-girl-against-feminism:


keyhollow:

surprisebitch:

pancakes are made of eggs omfg




Y’all are crazy if you think a chicken won’t happily eat eggs. Y’all insane if you think a chicken won’t tear some nuggets UP. You are ON CRACK if you think a chicken won’t just, eat another injured chicken

Me and some friends were collecting eggs on this farm. We dropped one of them and they went absolutely apeshit over that damn egg. Not even the shell was left. 


I know people think chickens are herbivores but they absolutely aren’t.
Chickens are omnivores. They eat meat, they eat eat all sorts of fruits and vegetables.
This isn’t really well known to people who live off of farms or who have never spent time on one. It’s also thanks to tv and movies not showing this side of chickens.

It’s why eggs and chicken meat saying they come from “free-range vegetarian chickens” are HILARIOUS, because if they’re free-range, you can’t control that, and the tiny dinosaurs ARE going to eat a lot of things. And if a mouse meets an early demise because it came near the tiny dinosaurs … 
¯\_(ツ)_/¯



As a kid I once threw the neighbor’s chickens a chicken nugget just to see what would happen.
Answer; they fuckin demolished it. Tore it apart and wolfed it down in seconds. 


Rose tinted chicken glasses used to be a very common invention for chickens, because if they saw a speck of blood on another chicken they would gang up on it and murder it to death and feast on it.
Actual piranhas don’t act like Hollywood piranhas.
Chickens, however, do act like Hollywood piranhas. Those fuckers get a taste for blood and they become fucking ravenous fiends. They’re still very much dinosaur. 


Pancakes are looking a little tame, huh?

starkswhee: queercyberoceancowgirl: tulparightsactivist: cheshireinthemiddle: joekewlio: systlin: jabberwockypie: kayrowhitesyrup...

Would Happen: pardon-my-venting: I think it’s funny how the last panel is a pretty good representation of what would happen
Would Happen: pardon-my-venting:
I think it’s funny how the last panel is a pretty good representation of what would happen

pardon-my-venting: I think it’s funny how the last panel is a pretty good representation of what would happen

Would Happen: the-moon-is-my-butt: @astromechovess  this seems like something that would happen with your brood, accident or not? Me when Jasper doesn’t get a happy end
Would Happen: the-moon-is-my-butt:

@astromechovess  this seems like something that would happen with your brood, accident or not?


Me when Jasper doesn’t get a happy end

the-moon-is-my-butt: @astromechovess  this seems like something that would happen with your brood, accident or not? Me when Jasper doe...

Would Happen: thefloatingstone: fearoftheminotaur: atma-starfish: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: swan2swan: skeletim: precumming: Wtf… holy SHIT Do not doubt a god. I don’t get it The original Twitch plays pokemon was a Twitch based event from a few years back where users of the Twitch Chat could submit button presses based on the layout of an old Game Boy to play Pokemon Red. Eventually they did manage to beat the game. But along the way it had sparked a huge following and somehow developed it’s own lore based on the pokemon caught and the names they were given. However, at Mount Moon, Twitch decided to take the Helix Fossil, an item that could be used to acquire an Omanyte later in the game.  Due to the nature of the system, a lot of the time the character just would walk around in circles for hours on end, and one thing that would happen constantly would be that they would open their item menu and try to ‘use’ the Helix Fossil. Since the item had no function, people adopted the idea that they were ‘consulting’ the Helix Fossil for advice, and that it was their lord and saviour. What makes this Lady Helix so incredible is that, there was an incredibly small chance that they would get to Wonder Trade. And knowing wonder trade, the pokemon you’ll get in return is impossible to predetermine. So for not only them to get an Omanyte, is amazing. But the fact that that Omanyte references explicitly the events of he previous TPP, is nuts  I knew that Twitch plays Pokémon was wild I had no idea that the lore ran this deep. Haha that’s amazing Oh it gets way better. Due to the random arse nicknames the pokemon got, they adopted monikers to go with it. I’ll run through a couple ABBBBBBBK( was the starter pokemon, Charmander and was nicknamed Abby. However was released. JLVWNNOOOO was the player’s Ratata, nicknamed Jay Leno. It was released with Abby, following due to loyalty aaabaaajss was the TPP Pidgeot, the strongest pkemon on the team, and was chosen by the Helix Fossile. It was nicknamed Bird Jesus.  Eevee the false prophet, sent by the Dome Fossil. Evolved into Flareon and was released AATTVVV was the team’s Venomoth, lovingly nicknamed the All Terrain Venomoth. One of the final party. AA-j was the team’s Zapdos, caught with a masterball and was dubbed Battery Jesus. however, he was a false prophet. Only a short time after it’s capture on the 11th day were a great deal of pokemon were released. It did, however, make it to the end of the game. AAAAAAAAAA or also known as The Fonz was also one of the last members in the party. A Nidoking that helped leave the team to victory. I only saw a little bit of the actual stream, but I followed the whole thing. it was amazing.  i want to point out that All Terrain Venomoth was horrendously underleveled and managed to take down one of Lance’s Dragonites The reason everyone hates Flareon is because they wanted a Vaporeon that could surf In actuality the party was in DIRE NEED of a water pokemon when they got the Eevee as Twich kept trying and failing to get a water pokemon at that point because it was essential to continue the main game. When Eevee was obtained everybody was like “ok good! We can evolve it to Vaporeon and keep the game going!” and then a fire stone ended up being used instead and they ended up with a Flareon. And the game was once again in severe trouble and in need of a water pokemon to continue. THAT’S why Flareon was dubbed “The False Prophet”. Because it was SUPPOSED to be the Vaporeon that could save them from their current predicament. The “Sent by the Dome Fossil” came from the idea that, since the Helix Fossil was God, the OTHER fossil you can get in the game, the dome fossil, must be evil. There’s also the entire section of the game where Twitch had to go through the Pokemon Tower which was a special kind of hell… But somehow, Twitch managed it. And eventually beat the game with the team commandtower-solring-go showed. (I don’t know if anyone knows of an abridged video of TPP on youtube or something. If only because the unedited video of it would literally beentire weeks long to try and watch. If anyone has a link to something like that please share.) [source lost]
Would Happen: thefloatingstone:
fearoftheminotaur:

atma-starfish:

commandtower-solring-go:

dpdchxkenpachi:

commandtower-solring-go:


dpdchxkenpachi:

swan2swan:

skeletim:

precumming:

Wtf…

holy SHIT

Do not doubt a god.


I don’t get it

The original Twitch plays pokemon was a Twitch based event from a few years back where users of the Twitch Chat could submit button presses based on the layout of an old Game Boy to play Pokemon Red.
Eventually they did manage to beat the game. But along the way it had sparked a huge following and somehow developed it’s own lore based on the pokemon caught and the names they were given. However, at Mount Moon, Twitch decided to take the Helix Fossil, an item that could be used to acquire an Omanyte later in the game. 
Due to the nature of the system, a lot of the time the character just would walk around in circles for hours on end, and one thing that would happen constantly would be that they would open their item menu and try to ‘use’ the Helix Fossil. Since the item had no function, people adopted the idea that they were ‘consulting’ the Helix Fossil for advice, and that it was their lord and saviour.
What makes this Lady Helix so incredible is that, there was an incredibly small chance that they would get to Wonder Trade. And knowing wonder trade, the pokemon you’ll get in return is impossible to predetermine. So for not only them to get an Omanyte, is amazing. But the fact that that Omanyte references explicitly the events of he previous TPP, is nuts 


I knew that Twitch plays Pokémon was wild I had no idea that the lore ran this deep. Haha that’s amazing

Oh it gets way better. Due to the random arse nicknames the pokemon got, they adopted monikers to go with it. I’ll run through a couple
ABBBBBBBK( was the starter pokemon, Charmander and was nicknamed Abby. However was released.
JLVWNNOOOO was the player’s Ratata, nicknamed Jay Leno. It was released with Abby, following due to loyalty
aaabaaajss was the TPP Pidgeot, the strongest pkemon on the team, and was chosen by the Helix Fossile. It was nicknamed Bird Jesus. 
Eevee the false prophet, sent by the Dome Fossil. Evolved into Flareon and was released
AATTVVV was the team’s Venomoth, lovingly nicknamed the All Terrain Venomoth. One of the final party.
AA-j was the team’s Zapdos, caught with a masterball and was dubbed Battery Jesus. however, he was a false prophet. Only a short time after it’s capture on the 11th day were a great deal of pokemon were released. It did, however, make it to the end of the game.
AAAAAAAAAA or also known as The Fonz was also one of the last members in the party. A Nidoking that helped leave the team to victory.
I only saw a little bit of the actual stream, but I followed the whole thing. it was amazing. 

i want to point out that All Terrain Venomoth was horrendously underleveled and managed to take down one of Lance’s Dragonites

The reason everyone hates Flareon is because they wanted a Vaporeon that could surf

In actuality the party was in DIRE NEED of a water pokemon when they got the Eevee as Twich kept trying and failing to get a water pokemon at that point because it was essential to continue the main game.
When Eevee was obtained everybody was like “ok good! We can evolve it to Vaporeon and keep the game going!”
and then a fire stone ended up being used instead and they ended up with a Flareon. And the game was once again in severe trouble and in need of a water pokemon to continue.
THAT’S why Flareon was dubbed “The False Prophet”. Because it was SUPPOSED to be the Vaporeon that could save them from their current predicament. 
The “Sent by the Dome Fossil” came from the idea that, since the Helix Fossil was God, the OTHER fossil you can get in the game, the dome fossil, must be evil.
There’s also the entire section of the game where Twitch had to go through the Pokemon Tower which was a special kind of hell…
But somehow, Twitch managed it. And eventually beat the game with the team 
commandtower-solring-go showed.
(I don’t know if anyone knows of an abridged video of TPP on youtube or something. If only because the unedited video of it would literally beentire weeks long to try and watch. If anyone has a link to something like that please share.)
[source lost]

thefloatingstone: fearoftheminotaur: atma-starfish: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpach...

Would Happen: Tweet t Roger DiLuigi III retweeted Wallid Kanaan 00 @Balrog TheMaster Twitch Plays XY was able to successfully Wonder Trade and got an Omanyte called Lady Helix. HOW Misickf71 20,131 Twitch Plays Pokemon 2014-07-27 07:03:23 UTC Stream delay:30s Haloelite2 Thundernind5700 Broadswordnast ar Hquaticsmore5 Dragoonxd aichu Jirachinoe LADY HELIX Lv.1 R240,140 80,150 A 300,234 ??? Omanyte 12/12 DEX NO. НР ATTACK 6 Nanashi yanabiko Me10atta Czarwona.latarni a BX BХ DEFENSE 6 AOEK WATER 293, 124 SP. ATK 7 Rkjhouopc 123 A SP. DEF 6 MOVES LEARNED SPEED 6 Constrict NATURE Mild Withdraw ABILITY Shell Armor None ITEM Od3h03n23s Badges: 0 Last save: 4n ago Last party display update: 42s ago NO W OMRSQ LADY HELD Continue operations? AWA Report Problem atma-starfish: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: swan2swan: skeletim: precumming: Wtf… holy SHIT Do not doubt a god. I don’t get it The original Twitch plays pokemon was a Twitch based event from a few years back where users of the Twitch Chat could submit button presses based on the layout of an old Game Boy to play Pokemon Red. Eventually they did manage to beat the game. But along the way it had sparked a huge following and somehow developed it’s own lore based on the pokemon caught and the names they were given. However, at Mount Moon, Twitch decided to take the Helix Fossil, an item that could be used to acquire an Omanyte later in the game.  Due to the nature of the system, a lot of the time the character just would walk around in circles for hours on end, and one thing that would happen constantly would be that they would open their item menu and try to ‘use’ the Helix Fossil. Since the item had no function, people adopted the idea that they were ‘consulting’ the Helix Fossil for advice, and that it was their lord and saviour. What makes this Lady Helix so incredible is that, there was an incredibly small chance that they would get to Wonder Trade. And knowing wonder trade, the pokemon you’ll get in return is impossible to predetermine. So for not only them to get an Omanyte, is amazing. But the fact that that Omanyte references explicitly the events of he previous TPP, is nuts  I knew that Twitch plays Pokémon was wild I had no idea that the lore ran this deep. Haha that’s amazing Oh it gets way better. Due to the random arse nicknames the pokemon got, they adopted monikers to go with it. I’ll run through a couple ABBBBBBBK( was the starter pokemon, Charmander and was nicknamed Abby. However was released. JLVWNNOOOO was the player’s Ratata, nicknamed Jay Leno. It was released with Abby, following due to loyalty aaabaaajss was the TPP Pidgeot, the strongest pkemon on the team, and was chosen by the Helix Fossile. It was nicknamed Bird Jesus.  Eevee the false prophet, sent by the Dome Fossil. Evolved into Flareon and was released AATTVVV was the team’s Venomoth, lovingly nicknamed the All Terrain Venomoth. One of the final party. AA-j was the team’s Zapdos, caught with a masterball and was dubbed Battery Jesus. however, he was a false prophet. Only a short time after it’s capture on the 11th day were a great deal of pokemon were released. It did, however, make it to the end of the game. AAAAAAAAAA or also known as The Fonz was also one of the last members in the party. A Nidoking that helped leave the team to victory. I only saw a little bit of the actual stream, but I followed the whole thing. it was amazing.  i want to point out that All Terrain Venomoth was horrendously underleveled and managed to take down one of Lance’s Dragonites
Would Happen: Tweet
 t Roger DiLuigi III retweeted
 Wallid Kanaan
 00
 @Balrog TheMaster
 Twitch Plays XY was able to
 successfully Wonder Trade and got an
 Omanyte called Lady Helix.
 HOW
 Misickf71
 20,131
 Twitch Plays Pokemon 2014-07-27 07:03:23 UTC
 Stream delay:30s
 Haloelite2
 Thundernind5700
 Broadswordnast ar
 Hquaticsmore5
 Dragoonxd
 aichu
 Jirachinoe
 LADY HELIX
 Lv.1
 R240,140
 80,150
 A
 300,234
 ??? Omanyte
 12/12
 DEX NO.
 НР
 ATTACK
 6
 Nanashi yanabiko
 Me10atta
 Czarwona.latarni a
 BX
 BХ
 DEFENSE
 6
 AOEK WATER
 293, 124
 SP. ATK
 7
 Rkjhouopc 123
 A
 SP. DEF
 6
 MOVES LEARNED
 SPEED
 6
 Constrict
 NATURE
 Mild
 Withdraw
 ABILITY
 Shell Armor
 None
 ITEM
 Od3h03n23s
 Badges: 0
 Last save: 4n ago
 Last party display update: 42s ago
 NO
 W OMRSQ
 LADY HELD
 Continue operations?
 AWA
 Report Problem
atma-starfish:

commandtower-solring-go:

dpdchxkenpachi:

commandtower-solring-go:


dpdchxkenpachi:

swan2swan:

skeletim:

precumming:

Wtf…

holy SHIT

Do not doubt a god.


I don’t get it

The original Twitch plays pokemon was a Twitch based event from a few years back where users of the Twitch Chat could submit button presses based on the layout of an old Game Boy to play Pokemon Red.
Eventually they did manage to beat the game. But along the way it had sparked a huge following and somehow developed it’s own lore based on the pokemon caught and the names they were given. However, at Mount Moon, Twitch decided to take the Helix Fossil, an item that could be used to acquire an Omanyte later in the game. 
Due to the nature of the system, a lot of the time the character just would walk around in circles for hours on end, and one thing that would happen constantly would be that they would open their item menu and try to ‘use’ the Helix Fossil. Since the item had no function, people adopted the idea that they were ‘consulting’ the Helix Fossil for advice, and that it was their lord and saviour.
What makes this Lady Helix so incredible is that, there was an incredibly small chance that they would get to Wonder Trade. And knowing wonder trade, the pokemon you’ll get in return is impossible to predetermine. So for not only them to get an Omanyte, is amazing. But the fact that that Omanyte references explicitly the events of he previous TPP, is nuts 


I knew that Twitch plays Pokémon was wild I had no idea that the lore ran this deep. Haha that’s amazing

Oh it gets way better. Due to the random arse nicknames the pokemon got, they adopted monikers to go with it. I’ll run through a couple
ABBBBBBBK( was the starter pokemon, Charmander and was nicknamed Abby. However was released.
JLVWNNOOOO was the player’s Ratata, nicknamed Jay Leno. It was released with Abby, following due to loyalty
aaabaaajss was the TPP Pidgeot, the strongest pkemon on the team, and was chosen by the Helix Fossile. It was nicknamed Bird Jesus. 
Eevee the false prophet, sent by the Dome Fossil. Evolved into Flareon and was released
AATTVVV was the team’s Venomoth, lovingly nicknamed the All Terrain Venomoth. One of the final party.
AA-j was the team’s Zapdos, caught with a masterball and was dubbed Battery Jesus. however, he was a false prophet. Only a short time after it’s capture on the 11th day were a great deal of pokemon were released. It did, however, make it to the end of the game.
AAAAAAAAAA or also known as The Fonz was also one of the last members in the party. A Nidoking that helped leave the team to victory.
I only saw a little bit of the actual stream, but I followed the whole thing. it was amazing. 

i want to point out that All Terrain Venomoth was horrendously underleveled and managed to take down one of Lance’s Dragonites

atma-starfish: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: commandtower-solring-go: dpdchxkenpachi: swan2swan: skeletim: precumming:...

Would Happen: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
Would Happen: ORihad Herrma M
 S
youmakemelikecharity:

rock-moms:

vastderp:

gaybuttfuckzone:

deltasniper1000:

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. 

So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. 

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. 

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. 

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. 

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.


LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo
 the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
 sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by 
turning on their side and using them as 
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” 
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
 have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they 
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold 
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they 
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the 
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless 
floating garbage



i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees


be nice to them they’re doing their best :(

youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate...

Would Happen: Humans of New York 5 hrs "I used heroin for ten years. It wasn't a very good life, as you'd expect. I had my son taken from me. I lost my job at the Fiat factory. I spent all my time trying to find money, find dealers, and stay away from police. I hated myself. I couldn't face anyone. Then one day my friend's dog had puppies. I'd never had a dog before, but I always liked animals- so I told him to give me the smallest and ugliest one he had. The one nobody else wanted. And that's how I got Joe. Joe was the angel of my life. We understood each other. There was no need for words. He followed me around all the time. He slept next to me on the street. The moment I opened my eyes in the morning he would lick my face. He gave me self-esteem. I was a complete loser but at least I could take care of Joe. I could bring him to the park. I could bring him to the vet. I could raise enough money to get his medication. He's the reason I was finally able to quit heroin. Because if something happened to me, what would happen to him? So I got clean. It was hard but I got clean. Joe lived for another thirteen years. He got a tumor in 2012 and held on a few more months. I barely survived it. I was able to stay off drugs, but I promised myself that I'd never get another dog. It's just too painful. But two years ago I found Leica beneath a mobile home. She was all skin and bones. She'd been abandoned. I didn't have a choice. For the first few months I called her Joe. But I had to stop. Because Joe'ss gone. And the name doesn't really matter, anyway. It just matters that I love her." (Rome, Italy) i thought this belonged here a very wholesome story
Would Happen: Humans of New York
 5 hrs
 "I used heroin for ten years. It wasn't a very good life, as you'd expect. I had
 my son taken from me. I lost my job at the Fiat factory. I spent all my time
 trying to find money, find dealers, and stay away from police. I hated myself.
 I couldn't face anyone. Then one day my friend's dog had puppies. I'd never
 had a dog before, but I always liked animals- so I told him to give me the
 smallest and ugliest one he had. The one nobody else wanted. And that's
 how I got Joe. Joe was the angel of my life. We understood each other.
 There was no need for words. He followed me around all the time. He slept
 next to me on the street. The moment I opened my eyes in the morning he
 would lick my face. He gave me self-esteem. I was a complete loser but at
 least I could take care of Joe. I could bring him to the park. I could bring him
 to the vet. I could raise enough money to get his medication. He's the reason
 I was finally able to quit heroin. Because if something happened to me, what
 would happen to him? So I got clean. It was hard but I got clean. Joe lived
 for another thirteen years. He got a tumor in 2012 and held on a few more
 months. I barely survived it. I was able to stay off drugs, but I promised
 myself that I'd never get another dog. It's just too painful. But two years ago I
 found Leica beneath a mobile home. She was all skin and bones. She'd
 been abandoned. I didn't have a choice. For the first few months I called her
 Joe. But I had to stop. Because Joe'ss gone. And the name doesn't really
 matter, anyway. It just matters that I love her."
 (Rome, Italy)
i thought this belonged here a very wholesome story

i thought this belonged here a very wholesome story

Would Happen: daisy-pooh: it would happen sooner or later
Would Happen: daisy-pooh:

it would happen sooner or later

daisy-pooh: it would happen sooner or later